if you dont want to know the real me dont read any further this gets deep and real and if you want to keep thinking of me as lil miss soccer mom then read no further but i wont lie about who i am this is how i found god with out it i would have no testament to his glory for saving me.
I could start from the beginning and draw this out into a web of beautiful impressions I would like you to have of me, or I can just sum it up and jump right in to real time and let you take a walk with me for the next year. Since regaling stories of my life’s achievements would make a short book and telling you all my faults while entertaining at best would become mundane and repetitive and most likely bruise this delicate ego of mine, let’s just do the short wrap up to now. Born in Texas to Two parents who had very different ideas of what love should be, both very conditional and co-dependent. Moved all over growing up mostly around the south but as far north as Anchorage Alaska at one point, this made for a very insecure unstable youth. In classic angst driven youth behavior I acted out while simultaneously expecting respect and popularity from my peers. I drank hung out with an older crowd was well known and liked, got in petty trouble but nothing to big then I evolved. I moved to New Orleans Louisiana with my best friend who due to my lack of security at home I had started calling my brother. Within the year I would witness his murder and his girlfriends’ suicide. I drank Jack Daniels on the rocks, I listened to Billy Holliday, I dressed like a member of the rat pack, I read books by Irvine Walsh and William S. Burroughs and I was cool. I bartended on the same street he died on I walked past the wall the bullet (to this day it is there) was lodged everyday and would touch the hole and say a prayer for him. I moved into an artist house this is a concept I have found nowhere but New Orleans several people pay 100 bucks a week to rent out a nice house in garden district the nicest part of N.O.L. A. There were 3 floors 14 rooms 8 inside and the rest in the old slave quarters and above the garage. I lived on the second floor next to Charles Farley who played guitar for George Clinton and hung out with friends like Lenny Kravitz and Anne Rice. He was his own entity and I learned so much from him. There was a balcony that you could only get to from his room he and I had an open door policy with each other we had to share a bathroom so in the mornings I would make coffee and we would go sit on the balcony and just talk for hours. Pixie lived on the same floor as us she was a stripper and raver kid who was always dressed in neon and glitter sometimes she would be coming home as we were having our morning coffee and would come down from her nights high by sitting on the ground at his feet and just listing, funny a lot of people would gather into our conversations like that. He was a black man well over 6 feet tall dreadlocks that fell just past his shoulders, did not drink or do drugs but would not judge anyone who chose to, he didn’t seem to follow any religion that I could tell but he preached one love and was a great person who I loved very much .I could see him in another life walking in conversation earning the same respect from Christ himself. I had just got in from work one night and it is a known fact that people in garden district make money and since I lived in an artist house I almost never locked the door we all kind of looked out for each other. Well October 27th I was followed in I had just thrown my keys and purse on my dresser when I heard a knock at my door, thinking it was one of my flat mates I opened the door without thinking about it seconds later I was stabbed in the stomach. Charles found me, ironically on my way down I gouged so hard at my attackers eye he checked himself into the hospital that same night and was arrested on the spot. I moved out when I got out of the hospital. I couldn’t walk over my own blood everyday and that was a stain that wouldn’t wash out of the old wood floors. Later that year Charles was shot by his brother 2 blocks 5 years and 3 days past where my brother was shot. I moved out of New Orleans. (Side note I have had a friend or loved one seriously hurt or killed every year during Bayou Classic since the death of my brother, tourist to New Orleans don’t go if your trip falls on this date look it up it is a very violent weekend just watch the game from home.)
Sometimes when I drink vanilla coffee I can smell beignets in the background and the soft sent of magnolia and I know he is with me. Charles is the only person I have ever met to this very day I personally feel found true enlightenment and for that reason alone I don’t grieve his death anymore. I did for a very long time his was in his thirties and I was only 22 when he died but he taught me more in that time about love then my parents had in a lifetime and for that he will always live on in my heart and in the spirits of every person who he ever met. I never had a relationship with him he had many admirers but much in the way that Jesus obtained, he just kind of seemed above that, sad thing is in the end he was gunned down over a girl, funny how jealousy can turn brother against brother.
I went through a very morbid angry stage after this. My father had moved himself and my sister to Venezuela or Aruba or where ever they were glamorously living at the time we were never close I hardly knew the man and my sister and I were a great many years apart so there was no love lost in this separation. My mother had found new love and god all at the same time however this came at the high price of cutting all ties to her closest confidant, me. This separation did hurt my mother and I were never close and after my dad and sister left I was all she had left so we became close friends, having her throw me away again for a new toy was heartbreakingly painful. My father would make many guest appearances in the dramady that was this era of my life. I would start to pick up the pieces and like Godzilla he would stomp through and in one day knock over the entire thing then jump town again. I found solace in school and my sorority sigma delta chi, a journalistic society. I fought and overcame ovarian cancer luckily we caught it early in stage one. Got married and divorced to an awesome person who was leaving to fight in the Afghanistan war in one of those torrid romances you read about in war time fashion but that’s for another book. In the wake of all this I met a guy who has the financial means to make the whole world just go away for a little while and all this fighting to survive I had been doing for so long could just rest now. He promised me the world on string and played out for me every scenario my fragile immature insecure mind had always wanted, a home, love, stability, someone who would not leave ever not for war not for any reason because finally for the first time ever I Hillary was enough for some one. All 24 years of fight just collapsed into this guy and said ok you take over I am just going to take a little nap now. He smartly moved me to a small town away from everything I ever knew and loved which was ok I was a tumbleweed anyway but he did not give me the tools to assimilate. No money, yes he paid the bills but I was allowed no money of my own, no car I had one but no gas and the tags were out it eventually got towed, and no way to make friends. He isolated me from the world in every since of the word. I began drinking a lot as he would work out of town for months at a time and I would be alone with my fears stuck in silent solitude, my worst fear. Then I found out about the cheating and the drugs then I got it in my head well if I can be more like the girls he is cheating on me with he won’t leave me so for a short while there I dabbled and tried cocaine then I got pregnant and that was the end of that. He married me in traditional shotgun wedding style, at the court house with a big pregnant belly ready to pop. He was from Canada he never filed the paper work I would not learn until 2 years later this was a strategic move on his part to pacify me trick the American government and hold onto all of his assets when he was done with me. He cheated on me throughout the pregnancy we slept in different rooms he made it clear that he never loved me and just needed someone to have his child so he could stay in the United States. In the end he was not even hiding his drug use or the cheating he had banished me and the baby to my room while he owned the rest of the house and anything he chose to do in it. I ran away. I ran to my mother she did not want me. I did the only thing I knew how to do when everything crashes in on me I asked my mother to watch my son for the weekend so I could come up with a game plan. I grabbed the phone and called up a paleontologist friend I had from back in my New Orleans days that lived in Oklahoma an hour from where my mother was living in Arkansas, he said come over he would pour me a bourbon and coke, I said hold the coke and go buy more Jack we got some thinking to do. My friend lived on 16 acres of a mountain no kidding he owned a mountain. Well maybe it was a rather large hill in any regards my car was not going to make it up this hill and he had to come pick me up in an off road 4x4. So while we talked and figured out what my options were and drank and hung out my mother was secretly becoming my own personal Judas. She called my ex-husband and told him to come get his son he had 2 days to get there and get out of town. I went to work with my friend the next day and as we are repelling into this cave talking about the crystal caverns all around this area he bought my phone rings maybe it was all the quartz around me but I was in a cave on a mountain and I got this call, talk about reception. It was my mother telling me he was at her house and I should come back and talk to him before he leaves with my son. She didn’t not think he would just throw her under the bus and tell me everything but he had no loyalty to her and now I showing no more restraint to be his subservient concubine had no reason to spare my feelings he told me the truth about everything. I drove back to Texas in shock without my son and finding out I was not really married. I had been for lack of a better word incubated and discarded after use by this man who promised me forever. I let the Poe C.D. “Haunted” play on repeat the entire drive back, I was on auto pilot. I checked myself into rehab when I got home. Child protective services got involved and removed my son from his father while I was in there and gave him to the closest family member someone who had moved a couple of hours away and only met him once or twice, my father. When I got out of rehab my ex had married the girl he had been cheating on me with, and the courts had given them custody of my son even though they both failed numerous drug test and I passed every drug test given. I was homeless alone and had nothing and no one any one seeing a pattern. So I did what I do best pick myself up and started over. Unfortunately I did this by bartending and writing music reviews for a local magazine, it was a short time before I checked myself back into rehab. The second time I got it right I went to a halfway house after and got a job at the local paper. I spent along time alone working on me , exploring spirituality and fixing my karma some how in there i found out i was not looking for god he never left. I was just to ashamed of myself to face him.Now he is my best friend we talk all the time well i talk he listens lol. I stayed single for two years until I met Ryan and nowwe have been married 2 yrs . We just had a beautiful baby boy named Ryan Michael , Michael has always been my favorite archangel. I beleive god saved me from me i was my own worst evil and i feel i have reached a point of enlightenment that has a good base of many spiritual beliefs. I beleive in Jesus Christ and in the most basic teachings , do no harm, love each other, do the next right thing, and abouve all if it feels wrong it is wrong just dont do it. so there you have it the tao of Hillary
Many blessings to you Hillary.