Have you ever felt that you are walking in a long dark hallway with no windows, no given direction, and not understanding or knowing what you should do. I do not know what path that I follow, because I do not fully believe in any one religion fully. I believe in God, but I do not believe in the bible. I do believe that the bible is just a guidline of how you should live, but I also think that a lot has been misunderstood and turned around to fit a certain persons belief. I feel that every living, breathing object in this world has a soul, and a purpose for being here on this Earth. I do not believe in judging another person on how they live, or what they believe, or even what form of God they follow. Everyone is different in many ways, but it doesn't mean that they are wrong for who they are.
I was always forced to hide who I really was, and what I really believed in because of my southern upbringing, and my family being strict southern baptists. I watched a lot of people get judged, and pushed away simply of just because who they were, or what their last name was. I lived in fear, thinking that every little thing that I did was a sin. But I see the ones who judge as sinners, because no one should judge another person until you walked a mile in their shoes.
I still after 25 years, I am not sure of what path to truly follow, and maybe me opening up to my peers and asking for help I may be pointed to the path that I am destined to take. To help, here is a little information personally about myself, and maybe this will help with choices that I am suggested to make.
I am 25 years old, and I live as an openly "gay" male in Missouri. I grew up in a family who never had much money, and we were commonly known as coming from "the wrong side of the tracks." My mother was a single mother who worked two jobs to support my siblings, and myself which was six boys, and three girls. My father has been in prison almost my whole life for the murder of a police officer, and manufactoring meth. I grew up thinking that doing drugs was cool, and I was into them pretty bad by the age of seventeen. I was always told that I would never be anybody, and that I would always end up like my father. This made me so furious that at seventeen I ran away leaving no trace as to where I was, or where I was going and I cut all contact with my family.
I continued the use of drugs, and lived a "partiers" life not caring about anything, and only working a job long enough to get a check so I could buy more drugs, and alcohol. I lived very carelessly and didn't care about anyone or anything. I then lost my Grandfather who I loved so much, shortly followed by my Grandmother who was my world and my rock. This opened my eyes and I moved again to get myself together.
After my move, I met my partner who I have been with for six solid years now and I am very proud of myself. Since I met him, I have went back to school, I have stopped using all drugs, and I work in the ER at one of the hospitals here. I have my own home, I drive a brand new vehicle, and I have many many friends who I love dearly. My family life has gotten better, but I only talk to my mother, my grandmother, one of my aunts, and my siblings out of everyone. Even though I have all this, I still feel lost, and alone sometimes. Everyone I know, knows the real me because I hide nothing from nobody. I am concidered a very respectful person by most I know, and I am also very very "straight" acting, but even with everything I have become I still continue to be judged by some and it is very hurtful and confusing. I can't understand why or how some people can be so mean, and it is usually the older generation.
How can I follow a religion, when most of them say how I live is a sin, or so that is how it is interpreted. Please help me make my mind, or give me some guidlines on what I should look into. Thank You.
Justin D. Strutton
