There's a really great song by Don Henley, a former member of the Eagles. It's called 'Forgiveness'. It has a line in it that spoke directly to me decades ago when it was still new: "You keep carryin' around that anger, it'll eat you up inside"
I have thought long and hard about the concept of forgivenesss. I have been both the victim AND the perpetrator of seemingly unforgiveable actions over the course of my life. I have spent just as much time trying to reconcile the responsibilities that stem from my own failings as trying to understand why those who failed me did so. There's no simple conclusion, but the bottom line for me is that MY failures were a failure of personal character in living up to my commitments, just as were the times that someone else failed me.
I know how easy it is for ANYONE to rationalize away her/his own failings, so when *i* have been the person who did wrong i am SLOW to forgive myself… VERY SLOW. I see no character in REPEATING an improper course of action. Until i understand the flaw within my personal integrity that allowed me to rationalize why it was OK to behave at that time in ways that disgust MYSELF, i just assume that i will do the same thing again in a similar situation. That's even LESS acceptable… so i DO NOT forgive myself, but instead i stay focused on the action, why i did it, and what i need to do WITHIN myself to fix it and also what i must do for the wronged party to FIX any harm it may have caused and... where possible... restore trust.
I think some relationships can be irreparably damaged. My recent post on the Durci Spiral shows that i believe it's POSSIBLE to save almost any relationship, but what i didn't make clear there is that sometimes the EFFORT involved just isn't worth it for either party. There are people who REMAIN toxic, so they shouldn't be forgiven in the first place. Me, i don't extend an apology unless i have ACTUALLY seen myself to be at fault (even if only partially) and these days i don't perform very many actions I'm going to need to apologize for later because i generally don't act without thinking.
But i HAVE in the past not been so careful, and i have in the past been required to seek forgiveness from someone i have wronged. If i have a solid relationship with the person, it's usually fixable, and i make the effort. However, in SOME of those cases i have EXTENDED an apology but NOT expected it to be accepted. In fact, i explicitly RECOGNIZE that it's sometimes just more abuse to a wronged party for a person to say he/she is sorry and then think that REQUIRES acceptance on the part of the wronged person. It's as if the person who did WRONG has the right to determine how the wronged party has to react to the hurt, and i consider that pretty much the opposite of reasonable. Some offenses strike deep into a person, and the hurt they cause is seldom ERASED by a simple utterance of a phrase, a bouquet of flowers, etc. Sometimes, the TRUEST apology i can extend to a person is to respect that they never want to see me again because they aren't interested in anything ELSE i have to say. And IMO that is is their right.
Now, i already hear some of you saying: "If a person apologizes, we MUST accept it and forgive them." You are entitled to that opinion, and to apply it in your own life. I am entitled to see it as BS, to apply MY OWN believe in MY life, and to note that while you say you have forgiven someone many of you who claim to practice that policy sure seem to still have a lot of unresolved anger issues. I don't carry around anger, at myself or at others, and i'm not about to take advice on this kind of thing from people who i can see do so. I also know that some of you practice religious views that focus on the forgiveness of sins, etc. etc. I don't happen to share those practices, so those perspectives don't impress me.
Have you ever noticed that when a politician gets caught in a sex scandal, he disappears for a day or so, has a meeting or two with his pastor, and then comes out telling everyone that he has given his sins to god and been FORGIVEN, so we should all just forget about it? I know some of you buy that, and that's YOUR right and your business. I see it as EXTREMELY convenient, and totally lame. I've watched that scenario play out any number of times, and it REALLY disgusts me ... not just that he does it, but even more so that his constituents usually let it go. It's awfully convenient that we have pretty much HIS word… that of somebody who has been LYING up to the time he got caught... that he's forgiven... plus the beliefs of a religion i don't share (and THIS is part of WHY i don't). People that repeatedly do things that are supposed to be beneath them, and then think a one line: "Gosh, i'm sorry. I'm imperfect. God has forgiven me, now it's your turn" .. well they don't get MY forgiveness, they get my scorn. "
A person in a position of spiritual, political, economic, business, or any other category of authority are (IMO) expected to THINK before they act. Putting 1000 ergs of energy into doing someone harm, and then thinking that putting one erg of energy into a "Gee, i'm sorry" makes it all even… well, they don't have my respect for their authority or their character. A person can act without thinking, and i recognize that. But ESPECIALLY if one has done something wrong,a willingness to REPEAT it over and over until stopped by an external force leaves ME believing that the only thing that person is REALLy sorry about is getting called on her/his behavior.
I don't carry grudges. I DO have a memory. A person who has demonstrated a lack of character is LIKELY to fail a subsequent character test and i will assess their character accordingly. When i wrong someone, and AFTER i see that i have done so, i put the right to forgive, or NOT, into that person's hands because, as i said above, i consider any other position to just be ANOTHER wrong against that person. It has been my experience that this SINCERE feeling of contrition and explicit recognition that i have WRONGED that person, that i have NO RIGHT to do so, and that doing so isn't just unacceptable to her/him, that it's also unacceptable to ME for ME to act that way usually ices the rift and allows the relationship to heal.
A person who does less than that after wronging me doesn't get my forgiveness, they just get the door. I don't need them to change for me, but i also don't need that calibre of person in my life. i don't harbor anger against the person, as that would be counter-productive to my own mental well being. I just file them in the category where i file a LOT of people, and let it go at that. But the person who DOES see their responsibilities, who makes every effort to acknowledge their failure AND responsibility, well if i don't TRULY forgive that person for her/his transgressions, then on what grounds would i ever forgive myself for my own?
