When my wife and i are picking out a movie to watch, she is generally more focused on who stars in the movie, whereas i'm more foused on the storyline. We both appreciate a wide range of genres, but for the most part we watch movies to get away from real life for a bit. Not that there's anything WRONG with our lives - in fact just the opposite - but one can enjoy a vacation without hating one's home.
One genre we generally avoid is 'drama'. Spending 90 minutes watching the story of a king who stutters, or watching a woman learn to care about her disagreeable mother, or watching someone come to grips with the death of their loved ones is NOT the way either of us choose to spend our entertainment time. To a greater or lesser degree, these kinds of movies reflect real issues that people encounter in their lives, or some exaggerated variant thereof, and i understand that MANY people find comfort in seeing that others experience similar trials as themselves, or enjoy watching how someone else resolves those issue, but neither of us need that kind of 'support'.
Melissa is a great partner. We both have really great friends, both collectively and individually. We face the same kinds of issues that are faced by others, but we dont allow those issues, when they arise, to become the focal point of our lives. Instead, we remember each day that we are happy to be a couple, that we have lives that are far more comfortable than the lives of 99.9% of every person who has ever lived, and we retain our joy in that knowledge. We deal with isues as they arise, together, and then move on. We don't discuss those issues with anyone else, unless we require assistance from someone to resolve them. When it's OVER, we MAY recount the story of the issue and how we resolved it to our friends, but by that time no matter HOW serious the issue was i've turned it into just another skit for my ongoing role as a stand-up comic, and we make light of the incident. People sometimes catch themselves laughing at the way i describe the three months during which i passed over a dozen kidney stones, and start to "apologize for laughing at all the pain i was having", but i assure them that *i'm* laughing at it now, and they are welcome to join me in doing so.
In the past, we knew people who lived by the exact opposite strategy. It was impossble with those people to have a discussion that didn't center on their current life crisis, or in the rare times they weren't experiencing one, some former crisis. The term "drama queen" was coined to describe that kind of person. On the surface that's a sexist designation, but while men CAN be drama queens as well, it is the case that women exhibit this trait far often then men. Maybe that's a function of us being so bad at "being in touch with our feelings"? LOL.
A little over a decade ago, Melissa and i noticed that we weren't spending as much time as we wanted to with people whose company we enjoy. It seemed that all of our time was consumed listening to the never ending trials and tribulations of one or another drama queen, and further that these people didn't appear interested in SOLVING their issues, they just wanted to complain about them. While we are both compassionate people, and we accept our responsibility to be there to support a friend, we eventually came to realize that for these people there was no point in trying to HELP, because if they didn't have a REAL issue that required assistance, they would create one.
We decided that enough was enough. We weaned ourselves away from these relationships, and further committed to living our own lives in such a way that we would not waste anyone else's time on unnecessary drama... which is NOT to say that we wouldn't ask for help when we actually NEEDED it.
We've been living this way for over a decade, and i have to say that it's a MUCH BETTER way of life than what we had before. Personal stress levels are much lower, and life overall is more pleasant in the large and in the small things. I've carried that attitude here... which is a good thing.
Anyone reading this blog probably knows that i've been the target of quite a bt of drama here. My beliefs are NOT mainstream, and i feel that i'm as entitled to state them as is anyone esle to state theirs. I don't explicitly comment everytime someone says soemthing with which i disagree, but i DO speak up when someone makes a statement to the effect that THEIR beliefs apply to me.
While i don't explicitly seek confrontation for its own sake, i get it a lot. I'm aware that some folks have a long list of the personal flaws they are sure *i* have which lead to these conflicts... since more than a few of them have explicitly posted that list for 'my benefit'... but from MY perspective this occurs primarily because this ste has a LOT of people who appear convinced that they are allowed to make statements that indicate that everyone else shares their beliefs but it's just TOTALLY out of line for anyone to dare to express disagreement with that stance. This site has atrracted a lot of GREAT people from all different types of beliefs *i* don't happen to share but whose commentary and intellect i DO respect, but it has also attracted folks who think we are all here for them to lead us to their beliefs, or who dont GET the point of all thsoe OTHER symbols being displayed at the top of the page right along with THEIR symbol. I don't apologize for calling anyone on that degree of arrogance and narrow mindedness on a site which bills itself as ecumenical.
Yesterday, i replied to a comment someone made with words to the effect of: "You are not entitled to express that opinion and expect it to go unchallenged." I realize that not everyone is fully proficient at boolean algebra and the proper ananlysis of an 'AND' statement, but IMO it takes EITHER poor reading skills, an explicit chip on the shoulder in general, or a specific bias against me for a person to read that as me saying that he/she isn't entitled to express her/his opinion PERIOD. Yet that's EXACTLY what occurred.
I attempted to correct the misreading, patiently at first but increasingly less so over the ensuing replies that included assorted insults about my character, intellect, maturity, etc. etc. Eventually i saw that there was little point, as the individual had apparently been harboring a string of resentments towards me and was using this as an opportunity to inform me that i was ugly and my mother dresses me funny (note: intentional use of humor and exaggeration). So i blocked the person and dropped the issue. That was enough for me.
A friend here continued the discussion with this individaul, attempting to get him to see that i hadn't actually intended the message that he misread. Eventally, the person calmed down, and agreed that he had misread the original comment, but then he followed up with a comment that boils down to:
"Well, Ok, i was wrong about the reading but since i FELT LIKE i had been insulted, it was reasonable for me to respond with insults."
WTF? This is a person who claims to be a minister and to have attained even minmal spiritual maturity? I recognize that males in our culture are conditioned to "Not take shit from anybody" and to come our swinging when it occurs. But as a wise man once said:
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." Ghandi.
Had i actually been rude, i could EXCUSE rudeness in return, though IMO the spiriually mature person simply DISENAGES when that occurs instead of diving headlong into the gutter to brawl with the other person. But for a person to explicitly acknowledge that he/she had been in error yet was STILL justified in returning rudeness for a PERCEIVED slight... well i can only interpret that to be the equivalent of: "My initial error justifies my subsequent error".
Now, while it's NOT my place to tell anyone else how to live, it IS my place to choose with whom i will associate. NO PERSON who consciously holds that philosophy has any place in MY life. I hold myself to proper behavior at all times, and explicitly follow the following rule:
"Improper behavior on your part does NOT justify improper behavior on MY part. It does, however, change the definition of what constitutes proper behavior towards you."
In other words, if you show your ass, i have no excuse for showing mine in return, but i don't have to look at yours.
So, yesterday i added yet another person to my block list. I don't PREFER doing that, but i also don't hesitate to do it. This site is NOT FaceBook. Anyone here is *supposed* to be suffciently spiritually mature to wear the title of minsiter (though not all of us TAKE such titles). I'm NOT interested in drama, excuses, or insincere apologies. A person who (IMO - and i am aware i am NOT the site administrator but i can still have an OPINION) belongs here - and more to the point who i will interact with - should have already matured past the point where such an attitude would be anything but an embarrassment to her/him. Those who fail to exhibit that degree of spiritual maturity... or for that matter simple common courtesy... can continue their antics without my active or passive participation.
