Sometimes life just doesn't make any sense. One could have all the knowledge in the world and remain clueless for an entire lifetime. It's amazing how one person's decision can impact the life's of so many people and that one person not even caring. Not ever realizing the impact of that decision. When do we fight and when do we give up the fight? When do we have faith and when do we know that the change must come from us.
I'm not even sure how I feel right now. I hate feeling trapped. I hate not understanding, yet when understanding comes is still makes no sense. My hands are bound and I hate it. My mind is bound and I hate that to.
What the hell is wrong with me? I hate the person I've become. I hate that I have accepted the things I would never accept. I hate myself for taking it and becoming everything I hate. In my seach for finding myself I have lost everything, including myself. I knew this. I've known this for awhile and I realized this when Skittles died and I still continued down this path. I still walk down this dark path knowing there is no light at the end.
I haven't really talked about it because it hurts to talk about it but it's necessary to come to grips with this before there is nothing left. I dedicated my life to this fight. I fought everything. I never took no for an answer. I never accepted anything that I felt was wrong or unjust. I always fought for life, I fought to live and for others to live. Anything left was weakness in my eyes and I wouldn't accept that from myself. But I have. I've accepted no and in turn have accepted death.
3 days before Skittles died I saw the black aura around her. I knew they were coming for her. And I did nothing. Unlike the first time, I did not feel death this time, I just knew her time was near. She was a sick cat and the vet had given her a couple of days. After healing sessions, prayers and everything else, she lived another 10 months. We literally brought her back from the dead. They told us to put her down and I refused to give up. She wasn't supposed to live that long, yet she did.
The night she died, I saw it before it happened. I saw where she would be, what position she would be found, I saw it all and when I saw that I knew I had to let her go. I knew it was her time. I knew they were going to take her and I let them. I didn't even say good-bye because I knew if I touched her I wouldn't be able to let her go. I knew I would have cast the spell and prolonged her suffering even longer. And I let her go. We went to bed that night and when we woke up the next morning it was exactly how I saw her. There was ahuge part that died with her. How could I just allow them to take her?
She was the first of two deaths I saw that week. I was also tracking the progress of the 6 year old boy was held hostige. I knew the boy would be ok, but I knew the man who took him would die. I saw it. I knew his choice and I saw how it would happen. No amount of magick could protect him from that fate because of freewill. Yet I can't help but to feel that I could have done more somehow. A few days later the entire vision played out exactly as I saw it. The boy is alive and well, the man is dead.
It made me realize that I have given up on alot of things. I have accepted things I would never accepted in the past. At least back then when shit happened I knew I did everything in my power to stop it. But when it came to Skittles, I accepted it. Just like I accepted his death. After the vision, I stopped. I allowed to happen whatever was going to happen. I have accepted that my husband's back is screwed up and will most likely never heal. I've accepted that nothing I do will ever change a damn thing. And this is what I hate. I'm floating around in this abysse called life and die more and more each day. It's easier to let the waves just wash over me then to fight them. This is a theme in my life and I hate it. I know that this is part of life but it doesn't mean I have to accpet it. I just don't why I have.
I've changed so much over the past 8 years that I have no idea who I am any more. The more knowledge I gain the less I know. What's the point of all of this?
Why show me this when I am not allowed to intervene? Why show me and then tell me to let go? How could you ask this of me? How could you be so cruel? How could you ask me to sit back and watch all these horrible things and not allow me to use the "gifts" that you gave me to fix it? Why is it that I am allowed to help and fix everyone else but I can't do anything for my own family? Why did you make me give up? Why was I lead to a dead end? Following this light only led to me a place darker then the shadows that haunted me as a kid. I was fearless. Do you know how long it took me to finally live without fear? And now I forced to live in fear all over again. I was strong and now I am weak and now I hate myself for becoming what I am.
Everything used to be so clear, now everything is chaos. When nothing made sense is when it made sense the most, now I have learned and nothing makes sense anymore! Not even me. I've never known what my purpose was, I just knew I had one. I still don't. The only differance is back then I didn't care. I didn't think about it, I just did what I needed to. I followed that little voice within and went with it. I can't even hear that voice anymore, accpet when your telling me to let go! I CAN'T LET GO! It is the whole reason why I am here! Is it was gives me purpose. A reason to wake up in the morning. I'm a fighter not someone who rolls over and plays dead.
People come to me with their problems because they know I am strong enough to handle it. But now I am at my weakest...... which in turns I am at my strongest,lol...... point taken.
I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for ever letting go. How many other people am I destined to let go of for the greater good. It goes against every fiber of my being.
I just always figured that I would do what I needed to do with every bit of my power to do it and you've always backed me up. I'm thrown for a loop. You've never asked this of me before and then you did, and I did, and now I am in hell. I've sold my soul for the "greater good" and now I burn for it. How could this be right?
