I spent some time today searching again. I walked down a path to greater understanding of my animal spirit guides and ended up exactly where I started. I thought by understanding which animals have helped me through different stages of my life I would get a greater understanding of their purpose or moreso, my purpose. I could see a pattern of their intervention and what they contributed to my life in those different stages, and how I was given the tools to start down this path. Stregnth, courage, mystery, magick, I could also pinpoint when they had also left. There were a whole lot more when I was younger. And to think I spent all that time feeling like I was alone. Now that I am older I can see all of the help I was given as such a young age. I can see their help during some very difficult times in my life.Now that my life has entered into a different phase, I see that the extra help is almost non-exsistant.
I knew when they started to disappear, just as every other spiritual being left me, except for the lost souls. I thought I was searching for answers on what to do with the abilites I have, but I realize while writing this blog, what I am searching for is why I have changed. Why I have lost touch with my spiritual side. It's kind of funny because I saw that all of my spiriual intervention mostly had to do with human stuff, except when I was younger. I know I stopped believing. It just seems so unreal. And that is the real question, why did I stop believing?
When I did my search with the animal spirit guides, when I reached the end, I realized that I already knew the answer. And I know I know this answer to this as well. Alot of it is because it can't be controlled. I can't pick and choose the visions. I can't pick and choose who comes to me and even though I can try to intervene, the reality is I can only do what I can do and hope for the best. But hope isn't enough for me. What good is premonitions if I can't change the outcome? I understand the point of my mediumship, I do. But I don't feel it. Though I cherish these things, there is a small part of me that doesn't want to deal with both sides of the coin. It's all or nothing and when I pick all, I feel like I am getting screwed. There are blessings and consequences to it all. The visions can give me an idea of where the person is at, but the flip-side is that they are often in a remote area and they don't exactly have a GPS on them, so I get as much information as I can but does this information really help? Ok, so they are dead and they are in some remote area of the forest next to a lake. This could be anywhere. My cat. I saw her death just hours before she died. What was the point of that? There was no purpose to it other to make me feel helpless. I'm very apathetic when it comes to the spiritual side. There is a huge wall. And I think that is why. Because I don't see the point of it.
I'm also a bit resentful. When I dig deeper into my soul, I want to help, hell I want to save the world, I do, because the pain is so deep that I just want to take that away. Noone should ever feel that way. Neither should my family. I feel like I am called to sacrifice my entire life for something that may or may not help the other person. I'm sure it's selfish of me, but I have 4 other people at home that depend on me. I'm resentful, I am, I know this. I resent the fact that my husband is disabled and I have to take care of the majority finances on such a low income. I'm resentful that my life is controlled by circumstance instead of doing what I feel I am called to. I'm resentful of the fact that I can help other people but I can't even help my own family. I resent the fact that I have all these amazing abilities that I can't even use for my family that would actually help take some of the burden off of me so I can fulfill my purpose. I resent the fact that I have panic attacks again and I am afraid all over again. I feel like my soul has been stripped from everything that was given to me. And I resent the fact that all these spirit animal guides who helped me in the past are now all gone. I know God is here. I know he hears me, but I am blocked from every magickal and supernatural methods of getting him healed. I need him healed. He needs to be healed. I'm called to be healer who can't even heal her own husband. I have nothing left to believe in. If I can't even believe in my own abilites, my own God given abilities, it just makes no sense. My self esteem is stripped to the core, I have nothing left in me to give. I'm working on reserves here. And I'm supposed to live this life of ministry. I resent the fact that I am called to do something yet being blocked from doing it. I feel like I am being asked to give and sacrifice those who matter to me most. Dousn't anyone understand that they are the reason why I am so willing to help? Without them I would be nothing. My entire life was revolved around finding them and putting my family together but I feel that I am asked to give that all away, which I'm not willing to do.
I think I'm on a spiritual protest,lol. At least Iknow where the block is. It's not the spirit that is blocked, it's the depths of my soul that has a serious problem with all of this. I know I have to work past this but my priority right now is our survival, I can't afford to worry about other people's souls. I want to care though. I want to have the time. I want to have the passion. I need to change this. I just don't know how to get past this yet because I can't let it go. I can't let go of the injustice of it all. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for any of this. I can accept this if I understood why. I need to understand the purpose of this all and I need to know how to help us all move forward, a way that I won't be blocked! It really feels like forces, all forces good and and evil are working against me.
This is so far off from what I envisioned my life to be. I need water, yet I'm stuck in the desert. I need guidance and yet I am forced to figure it out on my own. I envisioned staying home with my kids and I am the one working my ass off to make ends meet. I'm a psychic who is to damn busy to even connect with the spiritual realm. I seek answers only to find more questions. I have so much tools right at my finger tips that I can't even use. I can't make plans for the future because nothing is ever constant. I'm angry, I know this. When I look at this through spiritual eyes I am forced to accept this. But when I look at it through the eyes of the soul, I can't accept this. Acceptance I view as weakness. Acceptance takes away the fire and forces us to give up. I can't accept this. What benefit comes from acceptance? Peace? I doubt it. How can I find peace knowing that this will be the rest of our lives? What peace do I find knowing my husband is tortured inside? There is no peace when their is no hope. And what good is hope if there is no belief that things can get better? If I accept this then I am forced to sacrifice what little faith I have left, which isn't much.
I'm sure there are tools right in front of my on helping me transition to this "new life" but if I transition willingly I will loose my stregnth, I will be forced to give up my belief that this isn't forever. I have always fought. I accepted Skittles death. I accepted who I am. Am I being asked to accept this to? Just accept everything right, just allow the waves to swallow me whole. I can't do that. To do that I will drown and I can't drown in self pity, if it were just me, so be it, but my family depends on my ability to keep fighting. They need me to fight when they cannot. This is my curse. This is my purpose in life. I don't need tools to help me die in acceptance, I need weapons to help me continue to fight, for life! I will not give up, I can't give up! You sent them to me to care for them, to protect them, to fight for them, to love them with every fiber of my being and i will not give up this fight.This is what I fight for... I fight for life, all of our lives. And this fire burns in every fiber of my being. THAT is my purpose, that is the reason for every single thing I do! It's not about justice, it's about life, the ability to live, keeping that flame of life alive. These " gifts" are nothing more then a tool that helps me help them continue that fight!
To set fire to the soul. Wow! I believe I found my answer. I remember now why I did what I did. It's not even important anymore why I lost that, the only thing that matters is that it is still there. The Phoenix came up a couple of times today even just a few minutes ago in my cards. The Phoenix lives a thousand years and then dives into the fire to die knowing that they will be resurrected for another thousand years. I guess my spirit animal speaks once again. It's not even about the light. It's about breathing life into the soul and keeping it alive. It's about fighting to keep those souls alive. I don't do it to help, I do it to save. The death of a soul is the most tragic thing that could ever happen. Both in spirit and in flesh. For a soul to want to disappear into non-exsistance is worse then death, for it truely is the end. These few souls I have called "the forgotten", for they truely are spiritually dead. Their entire exsistance ceases without ever knowing the beauty they hold. It's all starting to make sense now. Now I know why. I'm not hear for those who have made a choice, I'm here for those who feel they don't have a choice. Death, true spiritual death, beyond hellfire and brimestone, at least these people still feel, these people are still alive. True spiritual death is beyond hell, it is nothingness, non-exsistance. Hell is seperation from God. Nothingness is the seperation from all exsistance. To feel so low that you no longer feel a thing and release is to give up completely and cease to exsist, nothing is sadder then this. It's the depth of this pain that fuels the fire to continue the fight. I've been searching in the wrong places. It's not magickal or even spiritual, those the spirit is a part of it, it's human, it's the very depths of the soul, the core of our exsistance. The rest are merely tools to take up this fight. I fight for the soul to live. Nothing more, nothing less.
I don't expect anyone to understand this, however this is a huge revelation for me. I've been given clues here and there, but now I see, I truely see why. But the most important part is that I realize that this is mine. For the longest time I always figured God gave us things to work for each other, but this thought stripped me of my own individuality and seemed inconsistant with my belief system. I believe in a sense we are all reflections of one aspect of God or another, but overall who we are is who we are. Our desires, our passions. I believe we help according to our desire to help and that help is a reflection of our own passions and dreams. This has helped me realize that I am my own person and this fight is my own. Sure there are those who come to help but this is mine. This purpose didn't come from above it came from within myself which is why I have such a strong desire for it. The other philosophy made me feel empty because I felt that my own life was worthless, despensible even though I knew there was a higher purpose for it. Now I know that this fight came from within me. It's what I have been preparing for for many lifetimes. The purpose is my own endeveor and the tools are personally selected to fulfill that purpose. I don't mean to strip God out of it, for without the light of Divine not even this would exsist. It's because I have seen the Divine light that this passion has been birthed. The tools are meant to keep me connected to that Divine light enabeling me to fulfill my purpose.
This has truely been an enlightening session. Such a simple answer,lol. I suspect some other changes will be coming, for now it all makes perfect sense.