I have been struggeling with my spirituality for quite some time now. My life never really made sense to me because it was always such a paradox that nothing ever made sense. So throughout my journey I learned to embrace the paradox, and though I gained a greater understanding of it, I never understood how it worked in me. I view things so broad that it created a solitary path for me. Yet, through this soliatry path, I am called to lead. Lead them to what when I don't even know myself? What it leads me to will lead someone else somewhere else? There are many rainbbows in between the lines of black and white.
I've had to come to the realization that I didn't choose my path, it chose me and it took me most of my life to accept this. On one hand it makes perfect sense, yet on the other hand, it makes no sense at all, hence the paradox. The deeper part of me is on a mission though I'm still discovering what that mission is. I have spent more time in darkness that the dark is comfortable to me. In fact, so comfortable, that I prefer it.
These past several months are no different. In fact, these past months have been really dark times for me. I have talked to God, begged, pleaded, searched seeked, and found nothing. It felt like noone was there. I often call this the dark night of the soul. It's usually the time where night time has set upon the soul and it's our time for finding the light.
Things began to spiral a couple of days ago. I don't know exactly what happened or even how I got to that point, but I sat in a dark room with a candle and Adele's "Hello" song playing over and over again. I started going down a really dark path but I was determined to reach the pain. My thoughts began to switch to all the spirits who have been coming around lately. It's the first time in months that I was able to connect with them on such a deep level. My pain allowed me to connect with their pain and I saw them for the souls they really were. I started thinking about the pain of other people and their pain became my pain, and through that pain I began to see a light...hope. I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in a long time and I felt so connected to everyone and everything. The wall around my heart began to crash down and I finally remembered who I was and why I do what I do.Sure, the mediumship is part of it, but it's only one aspect of it, as well as readings ect, but that's not what I meant to do.
It didn't become clear until this morning when I was reading a newspaper article about the Islamic couple that shot all those people. Noone would figure out why, but I tapped into something. That something is human emotion and it became so clear. Not just this situation but the underlying issues they are dealing with and the reason the fire is so strong, more specifically, the women of the extremists. I wanted to know what changed over the last few years and why there were more and more being recruited. It finally came to me and I realized that it's not a religious thing, which I already suspected, it's a basic human need to live free thing. It's a civil war, revolution, whatever you want to call it, but it's a stance that these women have decided to make. On one hand, it's no different then what the rest of the world has done, but the way it's being done, actually ingenius, is different. People look at them as Evil, but when you begin to understand what sparks the fire to begin with, you gain a better understanding of why people do what they do. On a human brain level, it seems cruel, yet, on a broader level, I can understand the desperation and the reason why it's such an important mission. These women have a completely different agenda then the men do, and it has nothing to do with submission, it's fighting a war for being seen as living human beings. I won't get into all of this, but that connection was so natural. Just as the connection was with the spirits. So what changed? Desire to go to the source of the pain. By going to their pain, I was able to gain a better understanding of my own and by finding their light, it helped me find my own.
I used to get alot of those "aha" moments and I remembered that these moments didn't come with a vision of being or doing something "great" but taking myself out of my own private hell long enough to visit someone else in their own hell. By connecting with their emotions, it reconnected me with my own and once I reconnected with that, I quickly reconnected to my light and this is when I knew what I needed to do and how to do it. So, I decided to create for Mystics. A place for those who don't fit in the realm of any religion, outcasts like myself, per sey and to give them a place to freely express their spirituality. I want to give them a place to not only explore their own path, but to embrace the solitary path that it requires. I've always wanted to help people move outside of what's not possible and move them into the realm of "all things are possible." For those who are seeking a path outside of the "norm" I want to help give them some tools that will help them reach the next spiritual level of their soul evolution. I don't want to give them a God, I want them to find their own. I don't want to teach them how to worship that deity, I want them to be able to do it their own way, because this is what is sincere. Whatever we do it must come the heart, otherwise it's wasted energy.
So, I'm going to open a church. I think I'm going to call it the "Church of Mysticism." I'm getting goosebumps right now, but most important, I feel peace about this. I will keep you updated on how this goes. It will be a work in progress, and will start online and then move from there.
Blessed Be,
Angel
