My FIL was recently ill and was hospitalized at the end of March. He was in ICU for about three weeks when my MIL finally had to make the choice of taking him off life support. Within a couple of hourse he passed away. My family and I weren't close to him as he was my MIL's second husband and we didn't like the way he treated her or her family. We knew that his intentions were selfish and his integrity was,at best, questionable.
His time in the hospital was a bit strange. Sometimes it sucks being a Medium. I knew his state of mind because he would come to me from time to time. It's actually quite common when people are half in spirit and half on earth. When he came, he was always confused, had no idea where he was at, and didn't even know who I was. You can't cross them over because they are still here. My MIL confirmed that he was confused the first time. A few days later she would tell people he was doing well, could talk,eat and hold long converstions. I knew better because each time I saw him, he was the same. The strange part wasn't the OBE's, he was experieincing, it was knowing the spirit realm myself and explaining it to people on what it's like. It's easy to say "It's a transitional state", " They have to make their own choice to cross over" ect. But when I saw him, he wasn't him. In life he was sharp, knew everything and was on top of everything. During that time in spirit and laying in the hospital, it was like a completely different person. Almost unrecognizable. I couldn't look at him as the person we knew him to be because he literally had no idea what was going on. I've never seen him scared, but he was scared. And I thought what it must feel like to have no recognition of anything around you. Not knowing who you are, where you are at, who someone that you know is, but don't know who they are. This was the first time that I was able to actually experieince the transition of death without having to go through it myself. I don't know why he came to me, considering our relationship was rocky, but I don't think he came to me because of who I am, but because I was the closest Medium to him and he was drawn t othe energy. But it was a very humbeling experieince. I couldn't look at him as the man I knew a month ago, all I could see was a frail,scared and confused soul looking for help. Needless to say, I sent him back to where his body was. This was the safest place for him, considering he already had shadows in tow.
Two days before my MIL pulled the plug, I told my husband to expect the phone call over the nect 3 days because your mother going to make the choice and he will be gone. This came right after we started having some serious shadow activity that night. It took me awhile to figure out why they were here and then I realized he was dying and they were here for him. This is where they tracked his energy because of the times he OBE'd here. I know it sounds crazy, but I had no idea that shadows would lurk and wait. I always figured that the Angels would be right by someone's side,waiting and giving them the choice to cross over, but I never knew shadows were there to, in hopes to claiming the soul. Since he wasn't the greatest man, I really don't know if this is common or just him. Anyway's Two nights later, his mother called and said she made the choice to let him go. The shadows didn't return.
I thought about everything that happened and then I thought about what it must have been like to be living life on a normal day and then going into the hospital for something that seems little, but never leaving alive. It made me wonder what was going through his head on the last day before he went in. The last real conscious day he had when he was still aware of whatwas going on around him. That day he was paying bills. It's strange to think about yourself sitting at a chair in front of the computer paying bills and then ending up on a gerny in ICU. I think he knew. I think he knew he was going to go into the hospital and knew he was going to die. And so I think about the last hours before going in and what it feels like to know your life is almost over and there is nothing you can do about it. It's easy to think about the things you want to say or do, but unfortunatly, I don't think about thoughts, I connect with emotion and the fear that he felt. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Maybe it's because he had alot to fear. It reminded me of my first ghost. The shadows, the fear, the uncertanty. It's not a good place to be. I don't know what's worse, the transition or after death. It gives me an all new urgency to help the lost souls who are seeking light. The darkness is so dark. It also brought up my wn fears of death, fears that I thought I overcame.
See, the thing is this. I always knew that the state of being that we die in is how we move forward in in death. I also knew we had choices. But who he was 2 months before his death and who he was in death were two different people. The person two months prior was an arrogant,pompous ass, but the person right before death was a frail, confused old man, yet they, (the shadows) were hovering and waiting for him to die. And when he dies they were there. How does that happen? Where was the light? Where were the Angels? Could it be that he had no light within himself or it was so little that the darkness consumed him until someone brought that light to him? And what's going to happen to me when it's my time? Some people go right away because they are ready to let go before they die. But maybe that is the key, he wasn't ready to die yet. But maybe he was so confused, he didn't even know he was dead.
What if my light isn't bright enough? I have a feeling I have been prepared for death my entire because ever since I was 7 I would feel this light, like a doorway,to heaven or aka the light. I would feel it from time to time in my life and it has a distinct feeling that I can't describe. The feeling isn't like an emotional feeling, it's a knowing feeling that it is a safe and wonderful place to be. But I also know myself, if my husband is still alive, I don't think I can let go. I know it seems like I am overthinking this, but this fear has been with me since I was 5. I know I can't control time or fate. I also know that part of life is death. It's one thing to know, it's another to be face to face with that reality. I think I came here to expand upon my abilities, but knoweldge isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Sometimes I wish I didn't know, but I also know the importance of it. You can't fully connect with the people you are destined to help if you don't understand them. It's easy to see things logically, but it's another to live another person's reality. This is where the lines of everyone's worlds become blurred and we begin to fully understand what it's like for them. Whether real or not, this is their reality and it's the only way to bring a light or a different perspective to them.
Anyway's, his death brought up alot of mediumship issues as well as spiritual issues that I will have to try and sort out over time. Perhaps it's to put these fears to rest once and for all, or perhaps now I have a greater understanding about my anger towards God. Not that I have actually felt anger towards him for some time, but perhaps the injustice of allowing people to wander around in the dark when they can't seem to make that choice somehow seems wrong. I know there is a delicate balnce that come with freewill, but I guess I don't understand why situations such as these wouldn't warrent some type of Divine intervention. But then again, maybe that's what people like myself are for. Since we literally are the medium between light and dark perhaps we are the only way to bring that light and actually show it to them when their is no light in their world. We have alot of Mediums who bring light to the living, and connect with the crossed over spirits but there isn't to many who bring it to the dead, not to those who are so lost. People don't like the energy that comes with them, and so they often are afraid and avoid it. I know I came here with a mission and I have always been drawn to the lost souls because when I was young I knew the hell they were in. But I have been running from the shadows for so long and have blocked myself for quite some time that maybe this was a reminder of why I came here. To remeber the mission. Or perhaps, this is all blind faith and believing that whether I have answers or not, to believe that whatever happens is in the benefit of the higher purpose for their life. Our worlds in death are a reflection of how we leave this life, a reflection of what is going on within. It's not that they are evil, they simply project all that is within to their surroundings around them. However, what is and what we want are not always the same thing. And maybe that's why people are brought in, to help us make a choice. Maybe mankind are Angels but because we have both light and dark, it's easy for us to cross the veils to either side, going to places where other realms can't go. Who knows, I guess the most important question is what to do with it.
