My mother came to visit a few weeks ago. We had a conversation about religion,which in turn brought up some issues when I was a child. I told my mom that I was constantly afraid as a child. She told me that I was always so quiet and that I never told her anything, that I would never talk to her or opened up. She was right, I never did. I thought that it was time to tell her, but something stopped me once again.
My mother's religion always prevented me from talking freely to her. She knows that I no longer follow her belief system. In her eyes, I am considered part of the occult. I really hate that word because the label is so misleading.She's told my children that I am cursed because I do not follow her religion, but what she doesn't know is that it was her religion that "cursed" me, not the God. I wanted to tell her about the shadows that haunted me at night. I wanted to tell her about the ghosts that talked to me during the day. I wanted to tell her everything, but I knew that it would only solidify what she thinks she knows about me and my path. Though we agreed a long time ago to not talk about religion and beliefs, in order to have some sort of peaceful conversation, there is a huge price to pay. She will never really know who I am. By hiding this side of myself from her, I am also hiding this side from the other people I am closest to.
While working at the Farmer's Market, I was invited to also be a vendor for another Farmer's Market. The lady was very excited to have someone there selling baked goods and encouraged us to use their kitchen to bake things in hopes to bring more people inside the building. It was at a church. I found myself taking off my necklace,which is a penticle, and shoving it in my pocket as we entered the parking lot. She showed us this beautiful area that she wanted to rent to us and it was perfect for what we needed. But I told her we wanted to look at the Market while it was open. (Though she was very optimistic, I felt that she wasn't being honest about the amount of traffic they recieved). My intuition was right and when we arrived the next day, it was dead! When we walked in, I started talking to another vendor and realised I forgot to take my necklace off again, as the vendor was looking at it. I was trying to tuck it under my shirt before someone in the church recognized it.
Why do I do this? Am I trying to be respectful of other people's beliefs, or am I afraid of rejection...again? I don't have an answer for that question, but the more important question is, when am I going to "come out of the closet" and be the Mystic I was called to be? When will I get over the fear of being who I am without worrying about what other people think? Though I will never share the full extent of my path, somethings just need to remain silent in order to keep it sacred, but for alot of it, the Mediumship, the Mysticism, at what point do I say " I am a Mystic. I am a Medium and I follow my own sacred path to the Divine. Not the path of many, but the path of one. Not a path forged for me by someone else, but the path I tilled all on my own. "
Whether it be religion, or anything else, we each must walk this path. On this small section of the road, we are one, because we each must decide for ourselves whether we are going to embrace ourself, or deny ourselves. We cannnot fully accept ourselves, if we deny any aspect of who we are. True acceptance allows us to grow, to change and to evolve as both spiritual beings and as human beings. This acceptance is what truely set's us free.
This freedom gives us new choices such as self expression. Some people have made the choice to fully express who they are to the world, reguarless of what anyone else thinks.Some are happy keeping things hidden and keeping their path to themselves. Both choices continue that freedom, because they are making a conscious choice and feel peace about that choice. ,But for some, like myself, the consequences of that choice keeps us bound from freedom. At this point, the choice becomes less about the actual choice and more about the consequences of that choice and the lack of peace that comes with it. It's about deciding what is more important. Is it more important for me to be able to fully express who I am,the way I choose, or is it more important to remain bound for the greater good.
It seems like a no-brainer and most would agree that freedom would be the wiser choice. Freedom brings peace to the mind, to the heart and to the soul. But for myself, in order to fully make the choice between freedom and sacrifice, I needed to go even deeper. Though my mother's religious beliefs mean little to me, for some reason, her lack of acceptance of me BECAUSE I won't follow her beliefs is part of the consequence. I had to ask myself, why is her acceptance of me so important? I know that she loves me, and I know that she will never walk away from me reguardless of what I do or believe, so what differance does it make? But for some reason, it does matter. My father accepted me unconditionally, all he wants is for me to be happy. But for some reason, I have always felt that no matter how hard I tried, and no matter how much good I have done, she will never look at me as a child of God unless I do what she expects of me. I was never accepted into the church because my "gifts" were not accepted. I didn't ask for them, they were just there. My entire life I felt rejected from the church, I felt rejected from my mother because the church taught her to do so, and I felt rejected by God. I realized that this was a theme in my life. This rejection caused me to hide who I am and in turn, reject the one's who rejected me and coming full circle, denying what they rejected. I found a different path to God and it's a beautiful road, one I will never turn down from. But it took alot of work, risk taking, and determination. The reward was wisdom, freedom and acceptance of God. Because my mother and the church belong to this world and are also human, the only freedom I will ever recieve is by accepting that I will not be accepted by everyone, which includes my mother. The consequence of this path is rejection. But the rewards of this path is the fire that fuels the passion to open my church,which in turn, set's my soul free. It also teaches me tolerance of those who are less tolerarent of me while healing the deeper wounds that have scarred me for years. Now that I have a greater understanding of the entire picture, I now have other choices opened up to me, and those choices open the doors for the bigger choice, which ultimately helps me to choose whether to keep this quiet or share it with everyone. This choice, regardless of what I choose now takes away the chains because now,either choice is truely a choice that will bring peace to the soul.
Acceptance of self is not always about liking who we are, but knowing who we are. This knowledge gives us freedom to make choices that allows us to take control of our lives and follow our destined path freely.
