What I am about to write may be a bit graphic/offensive or whatever but this is a head's up so you can bolt now :) . Not really sure how this blog will turn out until it's finished. I came onto this web-site tonight to escape the nightmare that has been my life the last 24 hours or so. I responded to the post and the advice I gave reminded me of something I should perhaps do myself.
We all go through trials in life. At some point we must make a stand but at what point does justice turn into hatred? At what point does that fight get to far? Even though in our hearts we know the actions are the right thing to do, but what about our intentions? At what point do we loose sight of what we are fighting for and turn the person into our enemy? To be honest, I haven't thought about it until now. Until I answered that comment. Perhaps the wound is still to fresh. Perhaps I don't even really know how I feel because there are to many emotions going around. One thing I know is how easy it is to go from justice to hate. As an Empath, this really isn't an easy task since I always seem to feel guilty for it. But no matter the damage, does it justify the hatred that was bred from pain? And at what point do we forgive? What is a forgiveable offense, and one that is not?
The beginning of this week has been...perfect. For the first time my husband and I started to really get our marriage in a much better place. It was like being newly weds all over again. After the last 6 years with my husbands back injury, it has really taken a toll on us. I thought that would be one of the hardest battles I would ever fight and to be honest, I didn't think we were going to make it at times. There has been so many lows, so many struggles. My husband settled last year and bought our home at the beginning of this year. Though it has been a rough transition, it was the first time we had hope for a better life. Finally that day came and everything was literally perfect....until yesterday. Thanksgiving. Even though we celebrated it on Sunday with my MIL, we still had plans for the evening to gather the kids around and start decorating for Christmas.Kind of funny since I used to hate Christmas until I got together with my husband. My daughter was spending the night at her friends house. She was going to spend Thanksgiving with the family and then come home in the evening.
Instead, I got a phone call in the mrning from the mother stating that my daughter snuck out that night to meet a boy and was planning on going to the valley with this boy. (3 hours away). I knew exactly who the by was, her ex boyfriend. This was the boy that abused my daughter and I had to place a restraining order on a year prior. The restraining order ended a month ago and figured that since they didn't have any contact it would be ok. He also just turned 18. Anyway's the friend ran and got her dad and stopped her from going. So I went to pick up my daughter. Unfortunelty that was all the friends parents knew. On the way home she started crying and I asked her whathappened. She toldme that they got into a fight and he pulled her hair and slapped her because she wouldn't leave with him. As soon as we got home, I called to make a police report and file charges. She admitted to having sex with him before the attack. Needless to say, we had officers at our house for hours. I wish the story she told them was true, because the truth wasn't as easy to take as the lie she intially told. She looked at me and confessed that she lied to the officer and me because she didn't want to get her friend in trouble but decided to tell me the truth. And this is where it will get a little graffic. The truth was that the girls were bored and contacted him. He decided to drive the three hours up and meet up with them.They snuck out and met him on the road and for three hours they sat in his car getting high and having a threesome. The abuse didn't happen after, it happened during. Needless to say, I was devestaed. I knew at that point it was the truth because there were no more holes in her story. The worst part is knowing what happened, the second worst part was how I was going to tell her friends mother. We had an appointment the next morning with the police and she confessed the truth, which in turn now went from one victim to two, since they are both minors. They contacted the parents before I had a chance to talk to her. We left and were scheduled to come back an hour later for a medical exam and when we got there, so was the girl and her parents. The pain in her mother's eyes was almost unbearable. The girl collaberated my daughter's story. I guess there was a small part of me that hoping the truth was the lie, but that wasn't the case. Now we have two victims who will carry this for the rest of their lives and a kid who just started out on life that will start life with more felonies then he knows what to do with.
I know I can't control everything my daughter does, but it was her choices, she played with fire and now we are all burned because of it. The decision of three people snowballed into a huge avalanche and I don't know how to fix this. I will keep seeking justice for them, but it literally makes me sick. It makes my husband sick, it made us all sick.
I have no idea where the line is between justice and hate begins or ends. I hate him. Not because he got them high or because she showed up,not even because they had sex. They had a hand in that,that was their choice. But because of the aggression and abuse he gave her during what is suppossed to be something so precious and sacred. He ruined that if for her! He told her he loved her while he was doing this to both girls, and while he was abusing my daughter! And yet, he contacts me today, asking me if can contact her again. He contact my mother telling her he saw her a couple of days ago! And still can make me feel bad for hating him! My head is so fucked up right now and yet I still have somehow managed to tell someone else to let go of their anger.Nice,huh?
As for my husband and I, even though we are trying to deal with it, we are so distant right now. I just don't understand how things can be on top of the world and just come crashing down in one moment. Those beautiful moments are so far and few in between, why can't I just be able to enjoy it for longer then 48 hours? . My higher spiritual self is able to look at the bigger picture, but the more down to earth of me just wants to, I'm sure you can use your imagination. I know we will heal and this to shall pass eventually, but I also know with every court hearing we attend will open this wound all over again. This whole process has made me realize that we haven't even healed from the last blow when I had to place a restraining order on him. And I question myself. I didn't teach her to be weak, I taught her to be strong. I became strong so I could teach her to be strong so she wouldn't make the same mistakes I've made. I went through what I did so she wouldn't have to. But she did it anyways. I know we all have some hard lessons to learn in life, but it just doesn't stop! It's literally one battle after another! I often teach the bigger picture, but I'm getting tired of looking at the bigger picture of things! And this little tiny light of hope shines through.
Maybe the point isn't to fight the entire battle all at once, maybe the point is to battle it day by day. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him,not even sure I want to. I guess I now isn't the time to make that decision. Now is the time to figure out where we go from here.
