I spent a lifetime feeling lost, searching for truth and finding my roots. Not the roots to my heritage, but more the roots of my soul. As I continue to walk down my spiritual path, I seem to discover more and more of who I am. Like a puzzle, piece by piece everything together and I have finally come to terms with who I am. And then I was in a practice readig group. One of the lady's called on me and picked up alot of old feelings and pain from the past. It brought back so many memories and emotions that I thought I had already dealt with, but, I guess, is still there. Most of revolving around my mother's lack of acceptance of this part of me. It's sad really, her religion rejects who I am, therefore she rejects one of the most important aspects of who I am. This rejection will forever seperate us from the relationship she always wanted. The worst part is why she gravitates towards her religion to begin with and that is to find some redemption of her "sins" from the past. I never looked at it as sins, as I believe her intentions were pure and the actions done out of desperation. She can't forgive herself, yet, neither can two of th kids she was forced to give away. She alway's said I was lost because I found another path that isn't her's or that of so many other people, but I have no doubt she is the one who is lost.
When we are not honest with ourselves, then we loose ourselves within that lie. I did loose myself for most of my life in my search for truth,not her truth, but my own. If I was ever truely lost, it was when I was running away from the truth within. It was when I denied who I was and ran towards the lie of who I knew I wasn't. Though I did it in order to also gain her acceptance, I realized that she never would, not in this area. And by denying it myself, I would never be able to accpet myself. She lost herself in the decisions she spent a lifetime running away from.She spent a lifetime feeling rejection and tried to create a world of acceptance. But with God, doesn't God already accept us? So, the only real acceptance she is seeking is accepting herself. It's not religion or God that makes one lost, it's running away from our own truths that make us lost. It's what seperates us from ourselves and blurs the lines between truth and lies.
I stopped focusing on the lack of acceptance of her and started focusing on accepting myself. Making peace with who I am is the only thing I could do. You can't control other people nor can you force people to change their truths in order to accept you. We all have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror everyday. When we die, we are alone and the only person we are forced to look at it ourselves. God say's,I already accept you, but can you accept yourself?
I realized that my journey from a young age was in search for God's acceptance. I was told he was loving and accepted all uncondionally, yet everything that I was, was an abomination to God and God would never accept me. So I spent most of my journey knowing I was cursed but not understanding why. I tried to conform in order to gain God's acceptance, but it went against everything that I was, even though I didn't fully understand who I was at that point, but it made no sense. If God cursed me, why was I was so blessed? The only way I could fully understand God's love was when I was able to accept the things that I was told he rejected and realized, he never rejected it or me at all. I realized recently, that the next layer has been exposed. I found my acceptance, I found God's acceptance, no matter the rejection I recieve from his people, but the only acceptance left is that of my mother's. She say's she loves me and accepts me, but would she accept me is she knew I was a witch? how about a medium? how about an empath? angel messenger? nephilim? or how about a child of the divine on the path I am on now and have no desire to go back to the church? Would she accept that she was medium herself? an empath? lol The answer would be no. I have found peace in myself. I have found peace in God, but I haven't found peace in those I love who would never accept this in me. And this leads me down an even deeper path of personal truth. It's the one thing that holds me back from being free. It's crazy really, half the world already knows but the one's who are closest to my heart, don't really know me at all. To expose this truth, requires rejection and I don't know if I can accept that. But to not accept that, I can't fully be who I really am. To deny the core of who I am, I deny the truth and the face I show is nothing but a lie. And I don't know if I can accept that either. One of the hardest journeys we will ever walk is the path of truth, our own inner truth. So what is my truth, who am I really? I am a spiritual being on a spiritual journey who forges her own path to God. I am all that I have written above and more. I am a child of the light who is no longer afraid of the dark. I have reached the darkest parts of my soul and created light from that darkness. I have accepted this in myself, and even if you can't accept this part of me, I hope you can at least see that my heart and my soul is pure and accept the love that my heart holds for you.
