Dear God,
I don't know what I am doing. I don't even know how to get there. You have given me all of the tools, or at least most of them, yet I have no clue what to do with them. I see the visions, I know where I am supposed to go, yet I'm not feeling it. I doubt. I don't know where all of this doubt came from, and I don't know how to fix it. I can't just wake up one day and magickal make it go away. Well, I could, but it would only be a temporary band-aid, but that's not the point. I know I need to make some deeper changes, and I know it all rests on me, but I have never dealt with change well.
I used to be so strong, yet now I feel so weak. I didn't have to feel it back then, I just knew and then acted upon it and the doors just flew open. When did I start becoming so tired, when did I start telling myself that "I can't"? I screwed up somewhere, but I don't know where. I can't pin-point when or where I changed, I just did. I wanted to break down the walls so I could feel again, and on one hand all of those feelings came back, which is great, but on the other-hand, it has ruined me. I can't balance this.
All that was already within is now exposed so you can work on it. The wall was your band-aide, it allowed you to make it through the trials then, but it never fixed what was within since you were a child. It never took away your doubt of me or of yourself It never took away your doubt for your mom or for anyone else. That doubt was always within, hidden from your own self. True stregnth and courage dousn't come from hidding things within and building a steel cage around it. It comes from looking at, seeing it, feeling it and then working through it. And your dount stems through fear. Confusion. You never really knew who you were, you simply exsisted. You got to this point because you wanted to know, you needed to know. You were destined to walk down this path and have avoided it your entire life.
True.
But your soul cries out for more, the need to know, right?
True also, which is why I began this path to begin with. But why is it so hard? Did Jesus ever struggle like this? Did he ever have doubts about himself or who he was?
Was he human?
Yes.
Then he to would have to be subject to human emotions.Not everything was seen or shared to the masses. Does the world truly know the inner depths of your soul?
No.
The world did not know the inner depths of his soul either. He to struggled. Think about it. What do you know about satan and temptation? or satan and his angels?
They target those things that are within us. They are like psychic vampires who read and feed off our weakness. They draw those out and exploit it. They don't draw on things or offer things that mean nothing to us, because it would mean nothing. There has to be something within us for them to draw off and feed off of.
And what was offered to Jesus?
The world. Turn from God and I will give you the land, i believe it says. But he was humble.
So what was in him that would make him tempted?
I'm not sure, logically it would seem like status or the need to gain acceptance, pride? IDK. He seemed so humble yet confident within himeself, who he was and who you were to him. He was blessed with special gifts since birth and there seemed no need to develope them, they were just there. Yet, he was forced to walk alone because what he said and what he knew to be true for him was completely different. Though his intentions were in the right place, if he could be given the world and show his truths to the world maybe he would be able to show them what he already knew. He was an Empath.
And as an Empath, what do you struggle with?
Self-sabotage, lonliness, rejection, fear of the responsibilites that come with this ability,doubt.
So what do you feel Jesus struggled with?
The same thing.
And what have you been tempted with?
Throwing everything away and walking away from it all. The perceptions, the expectation, the draining emotions, the wondering if anything you do really makes a differance, the fighting, wondering what you are truly fight for.I don't think he was tempted with satan giving him the world, I think it was the opposite. I think satan was showing him this vacant, vast land before him and simply walking away and leaving forever, and maybe either traveling or simply living in solitude. Escape...
And why do you think he chose not to take the offer?
Because something within him wouldn't let him, not you, but something within him. no matter how hard the struggle was, he had to accept who he was and that he was destined to move forward down the path he was on. I think he knew what his fate would be for traveling down his path, but he also knew that he couldn't escape it. Or maybe he didn't know, maybe he just knew that this was something he had to accept and to continue to move forward. Something within him wouldn't allow him to turn away, even if he wanted to, he couldn't. The pull within the soul was to strong.
Do you think he had doubts?
To have that type of struggle, he would have to have had doubts.
So what pushed him beyond those doubts?
The call of the soul. To coming to the conclusion that you can't run because no matter how far you run, it doesn't change a thing and whatever fate is in store for you, will happen. You can run from other people or circumstances, but you can't run away from yourself. You can try, but it's pointless because these things always come back to haunt you. Same thing, no matter where you go. I think he just got to the point of where he had to make a choice and realized that his only choice for him, is to go back and continue his path. It would be easy to walk away for a time, but I have spent a lifetime running and it never changed a thing. I got to this point because I realized that the person I was running from was myself and I have nowhere else to run to. Walking away may be a choice but within my soul, it is not a choice. Walking away from the people I do help is like walking away from the children that you have given me to raise. But Jesus is your son.
Are you not my daughter?
Yes
So what makes one child more important then the other? Of your three children, do you love one more then the other? Do you hold one up higher then the other?
No, I love them all and treat them differently accordint to their own personal needs and personaility. They each have different needs, each child unique and must be treated according to their individual selves. But no, I do not love one more then the other.
Would it not be the same for me? Have I not given you a part of my soul?
yes, you have.
I love all, there is no seperation. Just as it is with your children, it is the same for me. Jesus was not bound and did not do these things because he was obligated to me, he did them because it was already within him to do it. He and I are one because I am within him and he is within me. It is the same for you. You have witnessed many great things , have you not?
yes.
You are not called to do this because I have told you to, you do these things because it is within you to do them. You choose to use what is already within you. Just as a part of your soul was passed on to your children and they manifest it according to what is within them, so it is for you. There is none greater then the other. It's ok for you to accept that which is within you, you are meant to , this is YOUR destined path. It is not my calling within your life, do you tell your children what to be when they grow up?
No, I allow them to choose according to their own personalites, talents and gifts. But they don't choose, it's just what is already within them.
It is the same for me. I will guide you and give you the tools you need, but only you can walk through the door.
But it's not a choice, I have no choice for each time I run, it still catches up and I have nowhere else to run. I can't deny this part of me, and I really don't want to.
Then you have already chosen. And when made that choice you have also chosen to accept the path you walk upon now. The question isn't whether or not you are capable of walking this path, you have already been shown that you can, the question is what are you going to do with it.
You fought your entire life and now you have been wounded in battle. You have the ability to self heal the physical body, now you must heal the soul. I can't tell you or show you how, this you must find out how to do on your own. But I am within you and you within me. You have access to all the energy in the universe, but only you can choose to use it.
Then so I must, for this path wouln't allow me to walk on crutches,lol.
Nor do you have to :)
