Lately the word forgiveness has come up alot and know this is part of my learning at this time. But forgivenes for some seems easy. They apologize, I let it go and that's it. But for some, I can't let go. I won't let go, why should I? Some people call it selfish pride and other's say that it keeps me from moving up i the spiritual chain of enlightment, but I see it more as embracing my humanity.
I'm on my husband's computer and he has it set up to where his e-mails get sent to his desktop. So there was an e-mail from his brother, my ex, and I cringed. His brother's birthday was a few days ago and he sent him some birthday wishes. Me, I totally forgot and wouldn't have sent him anything anyway's, but it just trigered something inside of me. Anger, alot of anger. I would like to say I hope he had a good birthday, but my apathy say's, I don't really care and if it was crap, then he deserved it.
Forgiveness must come from within, but for him, I have none to give. It's not even about what he did or put me through, but what he did, or should i say, didn't do for the kids. As apathetic as I am towards him, he is towards his own kids, but even more. i can't wrap my head around the idea of how one human being can dismiss his own flesh and blood. His youngest son't birthday was last month, yet he never even remembered.
I guess forgiveness is not really about the other person, but allowing us to move forward, but I won't let this go. i don't understand why I have to care even though he does not. Why am i required to "forgive" when he has done nothing worthy of that forgiveness.
Is it really worth being the better person, or am I actually being a better person by giving that forgiveness so freely? By forgiveing him, would mean that the battle is over, but it' not over, because the scars aren't even showing yet. I know it's a pointless battle because you can't force someone to care about another person, but I'm not doing it for him, this is about them and they are the one's I keep holding on for. A this point, much of this is silence, but i will not candy coat the truth just to be the "better person". I have lied about nothing and when they are older and they ask, he will lie about everything. Everyone protects him, but i will not! I will not go out of my way to punish, or inflict harm, physically, emotionally or even magickally, even though he has done it to us.
this is what makes me a better person, not forgiveness, not revenge, but for standing up for what is right and true!
Not everything is about peace, Sure we cn ask God to intervene but his forgiveness is already set, so in reality, it's his forgiveness, not mine, and therefore isn't true frgiveness for it does not come from within. it's like a child cleaning their room because they are being made to, not because they want to.
People say forgiveness is a choice. In a sence I guess it is, but the choice isn't really about forgiveness at all, it's about being ready to let go. So forgiveness is merely a bi-product of healing and true forgiveness doesn't come until until the wounds are ready to be healed. Forgiveness is the door that closes when that chapter of your life is complete.
