I was thinking about spirituality this morning and trying to figure out how to add more spirituality in my life. I often feel like I have fallen into a hole and every time I try to climb out of it, it feels like I fall even further down. It's like a life theme of mine,lol, in fact, I even named my blog after it, which is on blogger.com called"escaping The Rabbit Hole. I,know, not to spiritual,but all the words that flow on the page flow straight from the soul. There are no barriers because when I write these things down my mind doesn't have enough time to over analyze it, it jut seems to flow.
This past week has been rough as I made decision to close one chapter of my life so I can begin a new one. It's funny how one small act can cause such a huge change. I don't think we often realize the impact one word , or in my case, one e-mail could do, but the outcome reaped so much. It exposed years of secrets,lifted the veil of lies so truth could finally shine through, and though I stood alone in my stance, it felt good to stand alone, it felt...right, because I knew what I was doing and I knew why I was doing it. For the first time in a long time I remembered what I was fighting for, and I remembered who I was. My fight for truth changed a whole family line, and I remember as I stood there alone, everyone mad at me, accusing me of betrayal, I knew this wasn't about them, it served a greater purpose for everyone. I didn't know at the time what impact my stance would have, I just knew I had to stand up against what I felt was a huge injustice. A week later, I realized that that little stance changed an entire family, and broke the cycle for future generations. That one little selfless act paved the way for not just one person, for many people. I'm just now beginning to see the bigger picture and it set the ball rolling for so many other changes. When the dust finally settled a little I realized that this chapter of my life was almost closed. I felt ready.. or maybe released from this. I was no longer angry, I no longer felt the burden of the cross I was carrying and I was ready to walk away. I wrote one last e-mail to him. You would think it would have had some mean and nasty thing it, but it didn't, I understood him,I knew why he did what he does,I knew the deeper reasons even if he didn't, and I realized that I was looking at a part of my self. Sure my actions and choices were different, but the intent had always the same. At the end of the e-mail, I said good-bye and at that moment, I wasn't just saying good-ye to him, but saying good-bye to that side of myself. I walked away for he was now dead to me, and that part of me was now dead, and it felt.... liberating. I didn't walk away in hate or anger, I just walked away.
Later that night, I opened my circle and I sat there just staring at the candle. I waited for some life-changing spiritual experience,I don't know, maybe a beam of light shining upon me, lol , the gates of heaven opening up, something, but I just sat there. I was liberated by one situation yet still bound by another. I was guided to do a healing on my husband. As I sat there and connected to him, I realized how much pain he really was in, not just physical, but emotionally and mentally. It was like he was stuck in some spiritual torture chamber. I cleared away some of the stuff, but the pain was so deep all I could do was simply share it with him. I couldn't even focus, there was just so much there. I finally closed my circle and decided to spend a little time simply talking to him. I told him what I picked up and the floodgates opened up. As he told me everything, all I could do was cry. I looked at him, and again realized that at that moment, that was me 8 years before. The pain, the wall around his heart was once the wall around my own heart. And as I sat there with the tears rolling down my face, I was now the person who cried for me when I could not. And at that moment, I understood why she cried when I was so numb. I understood the depths of the pain, and I cried as he kept talking. It all came out, and then after awhile, the energy started to lift. The tears stopped flowing and that moment was over. The pain was released and then we laid down together just holding each other, talking aout this or that and watching the lightning outside. It was like everything changed in that little it of time, and that spark he was searching more ignited once again.
I woke up this morning and after a cup of coffee and a left over spaghetti breakfast I started thinking about the spiritual aspect, again, waiting for some moment of enlightenment and then it dawned on me, our spirituality flows through our humanity. My most inspired moments didn't come from looking up towards the clouds, but merely came from within, not the higher spiritual me, but from the deeper darkest depths of the soul. It didn't come from hours of meditation and prayer, it didn't come from my higher spiritual self, it came from that darkest depths of the soul, from his soul, from my soul, from our humanity. Our humanity is what makes us spiritual. Humanity is filled with pain and misery, it is filled with joy and love. Our spirits are not separate from our humanity, it is produced through our humanity.
People often look at spirituality as rays of light coming down from above, but what produces that light? It's our humanity. It's seeing who we are wart and all and using those experiences to connect with another. It's crying for someone who has no more tears, it's seeing ourselves in their evil's, and sharing a moment as one soul. When we split our humanity and our spirituality, we miss the point. We are who we are. We have faults, whether we want to admit it or not, and we learn through those faults. We feel, we think and we make a choice. By denying our humanity, by denying our human self, we deny a huge piece of ourselves and we separate ourselves from the spirit.
We are often conditioned to steer far away from the things that make us uncomfortable. We often look at this negative part of ourselves as bad or evil, but it is a part of us, no matter how much we deny it, run from it or try and lock it. It's all of these feelings mixed together that makes us human,and it's what we do with it that makes us spiritual. Spirituality is not separating from ourselves, it's connecting to everything that is us and around us, both good and bad.
Don't get me wrong , prayer and meditation are great tools and it nourishes the soul, but deeper understanding of the spirit must come from the soul and the soul nourished by human experiences,by human emotions, human thoughts and human connections.
We as humans are so unique,we are unlike any other spiritual being ever created, this physical body allows us to experience things that would otherwise experience. Through physical expression we can smell the scent of jasmine on a warm spring morning, we can feel the touch of a gentle stroke of comfort, we can write things down, like this message today, and for me this is huge since I write much more easily then I talk. These are all human experiences that are made spiritual ecause it touches a place deep within our souls. It becomes a part of us, it shapes us into not only who we are but who we will become.
Take a little time to merely experience the cool breeze across your face, holding your loved one's or simply listening to a stranger tell their story. These experiences change peoples lives, this is what spirituality is all about. The next time you are feeling a little stuck in your spiritual journey, add a little humanity to the mix .