I always thought courage came from fear and in many cases that s true, but today I realized that isn't about overcoming just fear, but overcoming all together, mostly overcoming that which we don't want to see or feel. I never realized how much courage it takes to take a risk even if the cost is failure. It takes alot of courage to look at yourself and honestly say " I screwed up". It takes courage to see uncomfortable situations and actually stick around long enough to deal with. It takes courage to accept the the things we do not want to accept or to stand up and not accept what is.
So what is courage exactly? I think courage is the willingness to overcome whatever obsticle stands in our way from acheivng whatever it is we seek to achieve at that moment. I think the key to courage is willngness. But in order to be willing there has to be a strong enough motivation behind. Sometimes we have an idea that will feel is great at the time, but when we fail to succeed, though it's a blow to our ego, we realize that maybe we didn't really want it to begn with. That maybe, just maybe what we are seeking is something completely different. The blow just isn't as devestating as you thought it would be and then your left wondering why.
Being that I walk the path of constant paradox, life has left me with many questions, each having millions of answers that all make sence. I look for one single answer knowing that there is no such thing, yet when I stumle upon one, it's not the one I seek,lol. I recently started a group and tonight was the first chat sessoin, in which I found myself sitting alone in an empty room. It was both disappointing yet relieivng all at once. I created the group because I often feel alone and I wanted to be around other like minded people, yet what I really desired is to be around a group of people who I could spirtually connect with. I don't fit in any religion or even any spiritual section, yet I desire it, but to conform to those standards just makes my stomache turn. I've been a loner all my life, and yet another theme of my life. I knew that creating it wouldn't fulfll what I was seeking, but I figured it would fulfill some aspect within myself. But when I sat in that empty room, I was faced with mixed emotions. On one hand I felt like a failure, since most of my groups don't really have much behind it. I start up with tons of steam, but when it comes down to it, is it really something I want to commit to? Is this really something I want? Then I realized how much it takes to actually make these realizations. There seemed to be a strong desire to understand this realization and to travel down another path of self discovery. Beneath the surface, the truth is, I feel alone on this planet. I always have. There are very few that I can actually make a strong connection with. I'm usually the mother hen role to busy taking care of everyone else, that I don't know how to take care of me.
Being an Empath, A Crystal soul, or whatever you want to call it, is cool, many up's and many down's, but the key to my exsistance is a soul connection, plain and simple. I think the reason why I fail in this area is really because my truest desire is to connect with everyone and everything around me without sacrificing who I am within, and who I am is everyone and everything. To understand but to not conform. To be spiritual but not religious. To be free to walk my path without restraint, and I think there is a part of me, a huge part of me that would rather spend my life alone as a "spiritual missionary" as opposed to a "spiritual pastor", Wow, that just came to me,lol and totally makes sence, even if that means I walk alone.
Which also makes sence especially after reading Tammies Blog about how we are supposed to share our gifts and knowlege, what' the point of having it if we do not share it. I work my best magick alone and I work best with people one on one so I can connect with them and within the one are any others that are connected . This is my stregnth. Even the other day, a co-worker that I don't know very well came up to me and started talking about things noone else there even knew, yet at those moments, I don't feel alone. I think it's time to rethink what I am doing and how I am doing it.
And that' where the courage lyes, for me. The willingness to walk a solitary path in order to connect with the world around me.
