I woke up this morning and once again asked what am I supposed to be doing with my life. I'm in a situation where I am the only one working. I work a full-time jov that really doesn't even cover the bills and really doesn't even fit into the vision I have. I can't go to school for what I would like to do because then I would have no time for my family, besides, I couldn't afford to get there ayway's, so I feel this aspect is on hold. My husband is disabled now and this has been a rough transition for both of us. Financial stress is always high and so money and trying to make extra money is always on my mind. So I asked.
I logged onto here and immediately found a post that talked about money and the sacred. Something I have also been struggling with. I knew there was something in the post that was a message. So I commented on a couple other posts and found another one that talked about us making our own path. Hmm, still a message, but still not sure. The last message was about in a sense asking for help in creating the life we want. And then it dawned on me. I never wanted to be a vuisness owner. I don't really want this big church and people paying for services. I enjoy doing things behind closed doors. I like my sacred circles. Sure I do not mind working one to one, but I have these expectations that kind of leave me in a box and I never wanted that. I wanted freedom from all of this. Once these things start turning into a job or vuisness, something within me gets lost. It feels like I am going against the flow of my own natural energy.
And this is why I am stuck. This is why I can't seem to manifest the life I want because to do one fully I sacrifice my family's well-being which I am not willing to do. Nor can I take a risk for something I really don't want either. So I am stuck.
I am a wife and mother first and foremost. Minister/teacher/psychic/writer second. And whatever second. And when I boil it down, that's it. I'm not in the position to ve doing what all of these other people are doing and have all these healing and wellness centers, churches, ect. In my heart of hearts, I'm not even sure that is what I want, I feel that is what is expected of me. Life is has gotten so complicated and I feel like I am spinning my wheels in a world that I really don't want to begin with.
In the depths of my soul, I have always known that I have come back here for two reasons. The first was to find love. Not just any love but my other half. And to continue the fight I think I have always fought, saving the lost souls. That's it. I did not come back for fortune or fame. My path is in the shadows and it always will be. I work under the cloak of night in candlelight alone. Some things I share but most is one on one.I have found the other half of my soul. And I work where I am comfortable. Most of what I do, I do not share with others. The things I do share, are merely that which is guided or thoughts to ponder. I walk the path of paradox where the less sense it makes the more I understand. I want to continue my work and not charge a penny. And for the majority that I work with, money does not exsist ayways. I want to write children books and stories. I want to try to make new potions and write new spells. I want to be in my circle. I want to heal people that the world has forgotten. I want to work with the elements and smile at the results and noone knowing a thing. I want a simple life for this is where I am truly the happiest and I am mad because this world is revolved around money that I do not have. I cannot fulfill my purpose fully because I do not have the money or time to do it. Nor do I feel I should be forced to follow the rest in order to have the money. Compassion and divine assistance should not have a price tag on it. It is against everything I believe. Now I can write books, I'm ok with that because that is a choice. Vut I cannot in my core charge for healing and deny someone who cannot pay. I cannot turn a lost soul away because my focus is on my "clientele" and having their loved ones come through with a message. There's a million other mediums to do this. That is not what I am here for. I am here for those that everyone has forgotten. The one's that noone even know exsist.
Anyway's mom duty has called. This blog is more of a personal thing to help me understand myself. When I get it out on paper per sey it seems to make things a bit clearer. I think I have found clarity and this will ve a start for me to contimplate on today.
Thanks to those who have posted your messages today. It has helped alot. :)
