Here is a wonderful video about external validation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbk980jV7Ao
Obviously, validation is a wonderful thing as it makes us feel good, however, one can not always remain centered in their being if they depend upon external validation for their good feelings, because sometimes it won't be there.
External validation should be accepted, and thankfully so, but an effort should also be made towards developing internal validation and to not depend and NEED a factor that is not under your control. INTERNAL validation is learning to self-validate based on factors that WON'T CHANGE about you, and are under your control unless you choose otherwise. One example of the difference:
External validation: Someone laughs at your jokes so you are validated that you are funny
Internal validation: Someone does not laugh at your jokes, while most do, so instead of thinking that you suddenly became not funny, you can think that the other person is humor challenged at the moment, perhaps due to being mentally distracted. You can continue feeling great about yourself and don't depend upon the responses or positive reactions, and will move on to someone else who will appreciate you. You want to be around folks who are in a good state of mind to interact.
Some examples of seeking external validation are:
* Making excuses for what you are doing, to get people to agree it's alright.
* Needing to be recognized as an authority to feel good about yourself.
* Needing to convince others that the way you see things is right, when it really doesn't affect you.
* Needing social validation, for others to accept you, in order to feel good.
Some examples of internal validation, are:
* Having a good sense of humor
* Having a positive outlook or great perspective, or good personality
* Your abilities (like being a good cook, or ability to self-amuse)
* Accepting yourself and realizing that any rejection is due to others not seeing your quality.
One thing to be cautious of when internally validating is to make sure that you are self-validating and not self-deluding. The test for external validation is whether that can easily change, in which case it's not internal. For example, if the bank system crashed, you might lose all your money and it can feel good to have money, and be externally validating. Another external validation is a sense of identity that depends upon support from others, such as being the leader of a group. If that group disbands, then you can lose that sense of validation.
The test for self-delusion is different, it is a matter of whether you are willing to put yourself to the test and look at the results yourself. Self-delusion as an example is to validate yourself as the best at something, or that you are unbelievably special in some way, but to be afraid to put yourself to the test and display it to yourself. You can't bear to see if that would change when tested, and that it just might be something that is subject to change through invalidating yourself. A self-delusion is a special type of external validation originating FROM YOUR MIND. Testing yourself is crucial for self-validation, you just need to not depend upon someone else's opinion or feedback (including your mind), or to more of an extreme, on immediate reality. Sometimes you will have succeeded in reality, but that success will take some time to manifest. But if you are afraid to test, that's a tip off that you may have self-delusion.
To internally validate, it is helpful to make a list of the things about you that are not likely to change very much and to use those as a basis for your confidence. Additional external validation is an awesome bonus, but your glass should already be full with internal validation with no risk of going thirsty.
In summary:
* Accept external validation gracefully, but don't need it or depend on it.
* NEED internal validation and develop it until it's strong and stable.
* Avoid delusional validations you are unwilling to self-test on.
May the bird of paradise fly up your nose!
The Markman