I spent so many years being afraid of death and the dying that it had a crippling effect on me. I spent many years caring for others and dodged being there "when the time came". My 1st care giving position was at age 14 and for my Diabetic, Double Amputee, Grandmaw. We were very close and she trusted only a small amount of people to assist her getting in or out of her wheelchair. I remember my grandmaw being a big and very happy and loving woman when I was a wee one. I ended up getting almost as tall as she was before her legs were taken.... I was physically strong but gentle and not afraid to help her. I witnessed her having a severe regressive stroke, telling my mother that I knew she was having it and she needed help...I had to threaten to make the call myself at age 14....later I would find out my own mother wanted her mother to just die and not be a burden to her (WOW I was switched at birth I swear !) Eventually she did make the call and my grandmaw was so sick and almost did not make it. But I knew what was wrong.....such a connection with her ! My grandmaw ended up passing away the summer of 83 when I was 16. I was lost without her.... she had rescued me so many times from the abuse of my mother, and we had so much fun together singing Country Music together, playing dice, and cards, although part of her rehab for her left arm, we had fun ! I really took her death hard, it was so unexpected to me....I knew someday she would have to pass on but not before she saw the rest of my milestones. Passing away in her home there was no away part, she lingered around in energy. I learned well from her. Her death was spooky to me and I recoiled further when others were sick....
I began to work taking care of others with disabilities, mental, physical, and those elderly with Dementia and Alzheimer's, and eventually the Terminally Ill. Part of my journey of acceptance of death, however, the people I was closest to while provinding care all passed on when I was off work. I had thought I was never meant ot deal with death so up close. I eventuially got a different type of care providing, then onto Pharmacy work, still "helping people" but not so up close. Then my husbands' Aunt retired and within 6 months was found to have a huge tumor wrapped around her upper chest arteries and close to her heart. She went for treatment and the tumor was gone.... then to make sure she was clear they scanned her head to toe.... only to find 9 tumors in her brain. Now I had know Aunt Ruth since I was 14 as she bowled with my Aunt and my mother.... then I ended up marrying her nephew in 94. By the time Aunt Ruth became terminal I was already becoming physically limited myself with back issues. It was so close to me I really freaked out and sort of ran away from the situation.... I was scared to deal with this certain death. I was critiscized as a teen on "how" I grieved so I was not really equipped with any way to handle death....or so I thought.
My mother-in-law and father-in-law took Aunt Ruth to their home for care. Aunt Ruth was my Father-in-law's little sister, and he was not having her cared for by strangers. It took a toll on my mother-in-law and then I began to spend nights there so Marsha could get sleep. So many nights Aunt Ruth woke calling to anyone in fear she was all alone.... I would get up off the couch and sit next to her in an arm chair putting my head next to hers on her pillow, and telling her it was ok cause I was there.... she would touch my hair and feel safe. By September she was really getting a serious increase in the size of her head, thus leaving her neck to bare the weight.... so much pain but always a smile on her face. The day came when our family was told if anyone wanted to spend any time with her to do it within the following 12 to 16 hrs. I made sure our girls were taken care of and I went to be with Marsha and Aunt Ruth. I knew she was afraid to be alone and by the time I did get there she was not conscious. I still let her know I was there for her and inside I told myself this was my time to DEAL with death up close and personal. We were up all night with her, my husband and Ruth's son had been there also all night. I pulled the hospital bed out and lowered the rail and sat right up next to Aunt Ruth telling her it was ok she was not alone....whipng her face with a cloth and holding her hand.... We could tell it was coming time for her to go on and I felt fluttering on the back of my head....19 years ago to that DAY I had lost a little girl, Savannah. It was Savannah fluttering on my head I knew it.... So I asked Savannah to help Aunt Ruth home......my husband left my mother-in-law walked into the room and Ruth took her last breath. The 2 people she trusted and knew cared and she shared something so private with us both...death is personal and private.... I was not emotionally ok as it was the anniversary of the death of my 1st child exactly the same date and time. What a powerful thing I experienced, the love my heart held for both of them and now I had experienced death. I make sure every year that Aunt Ruth's ornaments with her name on them go on our Christmas Tree she will always be a part of us.
It took me a while to cope and sort all the emotions I felt. Being a Cancer survivor myself it was hard.... somehow, inside I felt it was not fair, however, I did have to get myself together and deal with another up and coming terminal illness with my 86 year old grandmother. My grandmother's were like Mom's to me, they cared for me and taught me so many things about being a mom and wife and running a home, how could I not be there for her? It was impossible for me to even think of not being there. This being my father's side of the family I was not a big part of the family BUT my grandparents were always invited to birthdays and other times of gathering.... the rest of that family had no clue I had taken care of terminal people before. I was accused of trying to inherit more just because I went to be with her and helped with her care in the hospital....she went to a nursing home and I followed there to help her and keep up on what they were doing to keep her comfortable. She had been given Ativan and was using it at home to help her rest.... I was the only person she told that to ! SO the day she blurted out she was nervous I immediately went to the nurse and asked about Ativan....of course this nurse was more than happy to just give her MORE MORPHINE ! UGH ! I had a certification in pharmacy by this time...I knew protocol and about the meds. I asserted NO MORE MORPHINE she was not in increasing pain ! Eventually the nurse did get her the Ativan and she rested better. My grams had torn rotator cuffs in both shoulders, she could not feed herself without help, and the family had issue with my helping her yet again. I finally was forbidden to ask any questions about her or her meds, not even able to ask a nurse to come and check on her....my father was terribly mad that his sibblings had pulled such a horrible RANK. He himself had some say too, he met with the Hospice Nurse and said that the family was so fortunate to have my experience in terminal care and that I had done nothing wrong. That was Friday September (yes again) 15th.... by the next day renal failure hit and the aunt and uncle of mine were told to call family....my DAD and I were never called ! I showed up there and they all looked stunned. My dad never made it on time.... but all but 1 of her grandchildren were there and my youngest her 2nd great granddaughter sat with me and we listened to grandpa talk about what they would do when she got well.....He had gotten diagnosed with Alzheimer's two weeks after the initial diagnosis for grams....the day looked cloudy and possible rain coming.... my grams took her last breath and the sun shined into her window. I was blessed to have been allowed to be there once again when someone was having the most personal of times....
I no longer fear death.... and I genuinely feel blessed to have shared that with the 2 women who chose me to be there. My grams knew I was a healer, she could feel it, and being from a tough right to the book religion it really was wonderful that she understood I had faith, and I would not let life experiences take me off path. So many painful things in life if looked at through honest and connected hearts become such blessings. They no longer suffer and are at peace and I am thankful !
