NEVER IMAGINED HOW INCREDIBLY PAINFUL TELLING MY STORY WOULD ACTUALLY BE...BUT HERE I AM 5 DAYS LATER THAN I HAD ANTICIPATED......AND MY STORY CONTINUES.....I SPOKE OF WITNESSING THE ABUSE TOWARDS MY MOTHER AT THE HANDS OF MY FATHER....AND IRONICALLY, I STILL ASSOCIATE CERTAIN THINGS WITH THE VIOLENCE....SUNDAY MORNINGS WERE THE DAY THAT MOST OF THE FIGHTS OCCURED...WHY IS THAT? BECAUSE THAT WAS THE ONE DAY THAT THEY HAD TIME TO FIGHT! EVERY OTHER DAY, THEY WERE IN A HURRY TO GET OUT THE DOOR TO GET TO WORK, BUT ON SUNDAYS I REMEMBER BEING AWAKENED TO THE SOUND OF THEIR ESCALATING VOICES, AND IT ALWAYS SEEMED TO BE AT THE SAME TIME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING THAT A SHOW CALLED DOKTARI WOULD BE COMING ON THE TELEVISION....OH, HOW I REMEMBER THAT DAMNED CROSS EYED LION NAMED LEO. I STILL TO THIS DAY HATE THAT SHOW BECAUSE IT SEEMED THAT JUST AS THE SUNDAY MORNING AIRING BEGAN......THE FIGHTING BEGAN. STANGE HOW WE ASSOCIATE SUCH WEIRD THINGS WITH OUR CHILHOOD MEMORIES ISN'T IT? BUT I WOULD LAY THEIR HOPING THAT HIS ANGER WOULDN'T LEAD TO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE....YET MOST DAYS IT WOULD, AND THERE WAS NOTHING THAT I COULD DO TO PREVENT IT!!!.....IT WAS OUR LITTLE HATEFUL SECRET.....MY FATHER ABUSED MY MOTHER....AND ALL I COULD DO WAS WATCH. I GREW UP AS AN ONLY CHILD, BORN TO A MOTHER THAT MARRIED MY FATHER AT THE AGE OF 13....AND MY FATHER WAS 23. WHEN I WAS BORN, MY MOTHER WAS JUST ABOUT TO TURN 15 YEARS OLD. MY FATHER WAS THE ONLY LIFE THAT MY MOTHER EVER KNEW!!! I GUESS SHE THOUGHT THAT THE ABUSE WAS JUST PART OF IT.....PART OF BEING MARRIED, OR RATHER PART OF BEING MARRIED TO A SIGNIFICANTLY OLDER MAN. I LEFT HOME WHEN I WAS JUST GETTING READY TO TURN 20. I WAS MARRYING MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART, AND THOUGHT THAT MY LIFES PLANS AND PATHWAYS WERE PAVED FOREVER. WE MARRIED ON MAY 12, 1984. HIS LITTLE BROTHER WAS KILLED IN A TRAGIC MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT ON AUGUST 2, 1984....IT WAS THEN THAT MY LIFE TOOK A TURN THAT WOULD FOREVER CHANGE THINGS. MY HUSBAND WOULD GET DRESSED, AS IF HE WERE GOING OFF TO WORK EACH DAY, BUT INSTEAD HE WOULD GO TO THE CEMEMTERY WITH HIS ABUNDANT SUPPLY OF ALCOHOL, AND THERE HE WOULD SIT, WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIS ENTIRE WORK DAY....I REMEMBER ONCE ASKING HIM WHAT IT WAS THAT HE DID THERE EACH DAY FOR SO MANY HOURS... HE TOLD ME "I JUST TALK TO HIM". THE DRINKING AND THE ALCOHOL ABUSE BECAME WORSE DAY BY DAY...IT WAS HIS WAY OF DEALING OR RATHER NOT DEALING WITH THE LOSS OF HIS BROTHER WHO WAS JUST ONE YEAR YOUNGER THAN HIM. DURING THIS TIME I WAS IN NURSING SCHOOL, AND WORKING FULL TIME AS A NURSES AID TRYING TO KEEP THE BILLS PAID AND A ROOF OVER OUR HEAD, AS WHEN HE WOULD GET PAID EACH WEEK ON FRIDAY, HE DRINK UP HIS ENTIRE PAYCHECK OVER THE WEEKEND, AND WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE LUNCH MONEY, COME TIME TO GO OFF TO WORK AGAIN ON THE FOLLOWING MONDAY. THIS CONITINUED FOR QUITE SOME TIME. I LOVED HIS FAMILY, HIS PARENTS, HIS OLDER BROTHER, ALL OF WHOM SAW JUST WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH. I PUT UP WITH IT FOR AS LONG AS I COULD BUT WHEN I FINALLY GRADUATED FROM NURSING SCHOOL IN 1987, AND FOUND OUT THAT I HAD PASSED MY STATE BOARD EXAMS, AND WAS INDEED FINALLY A REGISTERED NURSE, I LEFT HIM IN SEPTEMBER OF 1987 AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN MY LIFE, WAS OUT ON MY OWN. NUMEROUS FAILED RELATIONSHIP AFTER FAILED RELATIONSHIP, I FINALLY MET THE MAN WHO WOULD LATER BECOME THE FATHER TO MY NOW ALMOST 17 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IN 1993. PRIOR TO MEETING MY DAUGHTER'S FATHER I HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH CERVICAL CANCER IN MAY OF 1988...BETWEEN MAY, 1988 AND DECEMBER 1990 I UNDERWENT COUNTLESS NUMBERS OF CHEMOTHERAPY TREATMENTS AND WAS TOLD BY BOTH MY PRIMARY CARE PHYSICAN AS WELL AS MY ONCOLOGIST, THAT I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN. SO WHEN WE MARRIED IN OCTOBER 23, 1993, IT WAS WITH THE UNDERSTANDNG, THAT CHILDREN WOULD NOT BE A PART OF OUR FUTURE. THEN, ON VALENTINES DAY, 1994, DURING A ROUTINE GYNECOLOGICAL EXAM, WE WERE TOLD THAT WE WERE EXPECTING. WE WERE ALSO TOLD NOT TO GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT IT, AS IT WAS PRETTY CERTAIN THAT I WOULD MISCARRY. AS I ENTERED MY THIRD TRIMESTER, WITH WHAT UP UNTIL THIS POINT APPEARED TO BE A NORMAL HEALTHY PREGNACY, I WAS TOLD THAT BECAUSE MY CERVIX WAS MOSTLY SCAR TISSUE, THAT IT WOULD NEVER DILATE NATURALLY, AND THAT I WAS DESTINED TO HAVE A C-SECTION. WELL ONCE AGAIN THE DOCTORS WERE WRONG, AND ON OCTOBER 19, 1994, I DELIVERED VAGINALLY, A HEALTHY 6 LB. 1OZ. BABY GIRL. I THOUGHT MY LIFE COULD NOT BE ANY MORE PERFECT. WRONG AGAIN!!!! IT WASN'T LONG AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO OUR DAUGHTER, THAT I DISCOVERED THAT MY DAUGHTER'S FATHER WAS GAY. THE MAN THAT HE WAS TRAVELING TO SPEND AT LEAST ONE WEEKEND A MONTH WITH , ON THEIR SO CALLED "GOLF OUTINGS" WAS IN FACT, HIS LOVER. I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE DEVESTATED. I WAS SUCH A WOMAN THAT I HAD TURNED MY MAN TO ANOTHER MAN?.........I SIMPLY COULDN'T COMPETE......I DIDN'T HAVE THE SAME PARTS AS HIS LOVER, AND WE DIVORCED AFTER MANY YEARS OF ME BEATING A DEAD HORSE, CONVINCED THAT I COULD CHANGE HIM, AND CONVINCED THAT WE COULD HAVE THE PERFECT LITTLE FAMILY THAT I HAD ALWAYS DREAMED OF, AND IN SEPTEMBER OF 1998 WE SEPERATED, AND ULTIMATELY DIVORCED IN 1999. ONCE AGAIN I WAS ALONE....BUT THIS TIME WITH A DAUGHTER TO CARE FOR. THIS IS WHERE I WILL END FOR TODAY.......BUT WILL CERTAINLY CONTINUE TOMORROW....UNTIL THEN...I LOVE YOU ALL...EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU....AND I HOPE THAT OUR GOD BLESSES YOU IN THE MOST SPECIAL OF WAYS!!!!
