I was just sitting here thinking about doing a post to apologize for not being available for a few folks lately. I know I have been distant, and for that I have no excuse really. I have been wallowing in a small depression ever since I was told I can’t compete anymore. My whole being was being defined by me from what I do, not what I am, or what I will become. I fight ageing like a freeken warrior. I don’t want to ease into it gracefully; I want to keep going full tilt boogey till I collapse like a house of cards. But it seems that I have lost some of that zest for life. I haven’t done anything really stupid in months. So I have been seeking my place. Opening up every possibility that has come along and I enjoy the hell out of it. I have built a base of gifts that have to be conditioned, nurtured, and grown to be the best I can be. But I screwed up. I took on too much, and I can’t stop now. I told a friend last night that I am trying as hard as I can, but I am not enough. I can’t learn it all and it frustrates me. He told me to slow down, take it easy for a while. I have this inner panic that something will come up I will be responsible for and I won’t be ready, won’t be knowledgeable enough, or strong enough, or wise enough to walk away should that be the case. I worry about these things. I study, I ask, great teachers have helped me. I don’t know what more I can do. I took a walk today, listening to birds, smelling dirt, just walking. Up ahead I saw a man with a puppy on a long leash. The puppy wasn’t cooperating and the man at times was dragging the dog. Not in a mean way just trying to get it to follow along with him. I “saw” that they didn’t belong together, so I smiled and mentioned the puppy was cute. And she really was. He told me he found her on his back porch and was looking for the owner. He said she was a nice dog, and as I sat in the road petting here he tells me he is taking her to the pound. I suggested he put up flyers and such, but he didn’t want to deal with it. I personally need a puppy like I need a hole in the head, but I was considering taking her home. Just as the thought crossed my mind a mini truck with a mom and daughter pulls up and the girl gets out and runs to the puppy. They had been out looking for her and missed the man somehow. I watched the reunion of pets and kisses and thought how lucky it was I stopped the man to talk about the puppy. As I walked on tears started to fall, as my guide told me for the millionth time, you are right where you are supposed to be. Stop doubting. I am a little hard headed so I know this won’t be the last time he has to tell me this. But for right now I feel right with the world.
