Went down to the creek today.. Dang I really missed it. I parked in a cul-de-sac and walked down to it. The walk there was quick, its downhill after all, but I couldn’t get there fast enough. I could hear the running water and it drew me like a magnet. The ground was soft from the grasses that had fallen over. I sank right into it… all the way to the core if you know what I mean.
I closed my eyes and watched the light playing through the dappling trees. I breathed 7 second breaths, actually counting each one, the gurgling of the water the only thing I hear. My heart beat seems to have stopped its so still, my back is ram rod straight, not sure why, but it is. As I keep counting hoping to leave the thoughts and cares behind I notice the colors changing behind my closed eyelids. The red, gives way to orange that gives way to yellow then to purple, some shades of green and blue pop in and out. I am where I want to be, and I actually start asking questions. I ask God what it is I am supposed to be doing. I feel like I have no purpose.
So God, I say, what am I missing, what should I be doing.
You had a plan, why do you doubt it.
I don’t know if I am good enough.
I know you are.
How will I live?
You will live.
How will I eat?
You will eat.
What if I’m not good enough?
If I called you to do this, doesn’t it mean I think you are good enough? Shouldn’t that be enough?
Then the tears start. I have been seeking approval my whole life, mostly from my father.
Perhaps you didn’t notice this Father approves of you whole heartedly.
The tears turn to sobs. The knowledge that there has always been the approval I seek has me choked up. I always feel like I’m not good enough. I can’t do anything perfect, not even close. I do my best, but it’s never quite right.
I have just changed my life so drastically and in the process lost my family. One son has moved out, the other has chosen to stay with his father. I sit alone in my life. I don’t seek old friends, usually I need to lift them up and I can’t right now. I can’t help anyone at this point in my life. I feel kind of useless.
Its then I open my eyes and look around me. Next to me is a beautiful bush, no, two of them. I can’t figure out what kind they are. Then I look again, and there is an uprooted tree that fell across the creek. The bushes are growing out of the trunk. They are healthy, and are branches of the tree. To look at it you would think the tree to be dead, there is very little of the root base still in the ground. The uprooting of the tree has opened up the watercourse, and it flows better because of the change the uprooting has made. The tree still lives, and its growing, just different. At this point I smile… Okay God, I get it.
We change, we adapt, some things will be better, some will just be different. I have more confidence now that things will work out. Might not be how I think they will, more than likely it will be much better.
