We had our last class in Law Enforcement Chaplaincy last Friday night. The topic was domestic abuse. The speaker was a lovely well-spoken woman, with a keen sense of humor and a way of grabbing your emotions from high to low in light speed.
But it wasn’t her eloquence that got to me. It wasn’t so much the psychology, the analogies or the basic premise of domestic violence. She told a story of a woman with children and an abusive husband. Because she was able to control emotions of those listening to her so well, I really wanted to tap into what she was saying and feeling regarding this story. She spoke of a fight where she left the house, left her kids in order to save her life. This grabbed me, like in the heart, the fear to leave those in your care in order to survive. But still nothing like what happened for me next. Then she showed us the story was of her life.
There was that “knowing”. My life has been threated twice mechanically, and a couple of times emotionally. There is a moment, a time when you go to that fight or flight mode. Fear is all you feel, but there is another moment during that. The one that I felt, she conveyed, that moment when you silently wonder if you are going to die. You are doing all you can to survive, but still you almost idly wonder if your time is up. It is in that moment you get your answer, in the case of those that live, the answer is NO. It’s not your time. You actually hear it, you feel it. It is during that time you go beyond that fight or flight, fear, care. God has spoken, the answer is no, you will not die. It is in that moment that you feel His presence all around and through you. You know you will have to work, and you know you will be given the tools to succeed. All you have to do is have faith. That person that broke down that has the phone you need to call for help, that person that speaks to you at the diner and gives you a number to call to get counseling, that person that loans you that 20 bucks so you can get a cab to get to safety. All angels, human of course, but in that moment they are emissary’s from God to help you reach your goal. There has been no other moment I felt closer to God. I talk to Him often, but seldom do I hear Him actually speak to me. I feel Him, I “know” His presence, His love. But to actually hear him is another thing all together.
This is what got to me, and helped me understand a few things. I wondered why people that are often put in harm’s way to help others, soldiers, policemen, firemen, and others, I wonder why they had such a hard time leaving such a high pressure, high adrenaline way of life. Logic states that to be able to live in ease and comfort, to relax, should be preferable. But now I wonder if why they have such a hard time letting go and coming back to a mundane existence is they don’t hear the voice of God anymore. They miss hearing, feeling it. They still know He is out there, but they don’t “need” to hear Him anymore. They put themselves in danger looking for that feeling, not realizing His love is all around them. I just wonder if that is true.
