I've been in the midst of several situations (some might say "ordeals"; I'm not complaining, just trying to put things in perspective) as of late, that've been both painful: at various times, I've found myself emotionally being everywhere from "mildly annoyed", to "on the verge of sheer agony", and all points in between; and, simultaneously, wonderful: i.e., edifying, educational, challenging, rewarding, exhilarating and fulfilling.
During this period of my life, I have said to myself, literally, "This is one of the most painful things I've ever had to do, to deal with, in my entire life, ever". But, I would be lying outright were I to not admit that these situations, and the experiences stemming from them, have also been some of the most postive I can recall having been in.
I've heard it said "it's either feast or famine"; that life can seem, at times, like periods of boredom, interspersed with periods of excitement, sometimes so intense as to lead one to wish for a little boredom. My life, lately, has certainly seemed to tend more towards the "feast" side; there's been a lot going on in my life as of late.
Some of these situtations have been simple, rather commonplace, challenges of every day living, involving strangers to me, who I'm sure in some instances are "friends I haven't met yet". Others have involved some of the people with whom I'm the closest: e.g., those nearest and dearest to me; those who occupy a place in my heart that is so deep, so close, that, for them, I would do virtually anything.
One of the things that stands out as having struck me - and, "struck" is putting it far too mildly; something more along the lines of "I was blinded by the searing light of the realization that" is more accurate - is this: that even for them; those most special and important to me; I couldn't, wouldn't, and, were I to say "didn't", here, I would be lying - were it that I could, I would be eternally grateful; however, I can't, as that's just not true: being the flawed human being I am, I did, in fact, manage to screw the proverbial pooch, repeatedly, and compromise my self, and my own integrity.
This really isn't anything new or surprising: I've known, at least intellectually, the importance of "sic semper erat" - literally, "to thine
own self be true, always" - for some time, now; and that, in and of itself, wasn't the easiest of lessons to learn: there's a decidedly fine line between e.g. being "self-ish" and "self-less"; between being "care-full" and "care-less"; between "soul-full" and "soul-less".
Now, I realize that some, of those who have read this piece thus far, are likely groaning - at least a little - at this point, and saying something to the effect of "Wow, Larry; just what the world needed; yet more conjecture on the philosophy of knowledge and of being." I sincerely hope you'll find it worth your time to continue plodding through this, and, when all is said and done, find what I've said here to have been worth listening to, and worth the thought and consideration you've given to and afforded it. For what it's worth, I'm very much aware that this isn't about me; I am not writing this simply because I can; nor am I writing it to attempt to show anyone how sharp a tack Larry is, for my own glorification. This is simply my feeble attempt to pass on my experiences, and the knowledge God has blessed me with, freely, to anyone and everyone else who might find it useful for themselves, if even only in some small way. It's not about me.
Many far more gifted and intelligent than I have been trying to explain, to nail down, said subtle differences; to draw with even some degree of precision those fine lines; for as far back in the history of philosophy and religion as I've ever been able to ascertain. Yet, these concepts still somehow remain elusive, vague; the lines, blurry, and decidedly unclear. While I have learned a great deal throughout the course of my own life, the more I've learned, I've continually realized just how little I actually know. The more I seek knowledge, and find it - at least, sometimes - the more I'm aware that I don't just know not what to ask for; I'm only just now beginning to learn what questions to ask. And, of at least equal importance, how to ask them.
I have no doubt that God's grace has seen me through these situations, as has been the case through all of my troubles, trials, and tribulations. I'm realizing now, in addition to everything else which which I've been blessed, that I have been blessed with having come to the realization that I don't simply believe in God; I know that God Is.
The difference being: it's relatively simple to believe something; it's another thing altogether to know it. For quite some time, I was content to believe: I was going through life happily saying, singing, sometimes shouting: "I believe!". I was living my life, in a manner I believed to be in accordance with God's will for me; I was attempting to live in accordance with my principles, which were - and are - based on my understanding of God's law. On more than one occasion, I remember thinking "wow; this is terrific! It's great to be alive. I'm grateful for everything I've been given. This must be as good as it gets!". In short, I was happy, and very happy at that. So I thought.
Then, one afternoon, as I was out walking, and found myself slightly more troubled than usual by the constant lingering doubt which occasionally rears its head, in the form of: "I'm a human being; this feeling I'm experiencing is the result of the agonism or antagonism of certain receptors, which is a natural reaction of the human body to this chemical, that stimulus." Which is correct; our physical bodies most certainly react in very specific ways to various stimuli. This is every bit as true regardless of whether the stimulus-in-question is a drug that one has ingested; the flame from a candle searing the flesh of one's hand; either physical or emotional exertion, or both: the response of our physical bodies to a given stimulus, be it pleasurable, or injury or insult, is quite basic, quite predictable, and quite well understood.
Now, I can - and choose to; I don't particularly care for the word "should" - believe the aforementioned assertion, which is, in fact, an accurate one, that's entirely true. However, said assertion carries with it the implication that our physical bodies are nothing more than simple machines; just automotons reacting to stimuli with which they're presented. Which is ridiculous, prima fascia: what idiot would denigrate and degrade himself in such a manner? As true as that statement is, it's utterly ridiculous, prima fascia.
It was at that point I realized that everything had, once again changed, and that I no longer believed in God; I knew that God Is. And, I realized, that as happy as I had been, that there was even more; which, to me, is wonderfully incomprehensible; I realize now that as happy as I had been, I had also been content. And I am only just now realizing, even as I write this, that God has chosen to bless me, again, with even more growth, both spiritually and personally. And likely in other ways I've yet to begin to fathom.
