Please begin by reading Psalm 119:129-136.
As we enter into the first week of what I am calling “Fireproofing our Relationships”, I want to talk to you about the second most important skill and action involved in successful relationships, friendships, and marriages. That skill is forgiveness. Great relationships are forged with the tongs of love and forgiveness. Next weekend, I want to show you a better way to love. This morning, I want to show you a better way to forgive.
The truth about forgiveness is… it isn’t easy. Because you never have to forgive someone for something that doesn’t matter. You never have to forgive them for helping you, making your smile or making you feel good. The only time you have to forgive is when you’ve been hurt.
The good news about forgiveness is that it keeps Satan from gaining a foothold into your relationships. Paul tells us this in 2 Corinthians 2 in the New Testament. IF YOU FORGIVE ANYONE, I ALSO FORGIVE HIM. AND WHAT I HAVE FORGIVEN… I HAVE FORGIVEN IN THE SIGHT OF CHRIST FOR YOUR SAKE, IN ORDER THAT SATAN MIGHT NOT OUTWIT US. – 2 CORINTHIANS 2:10-11
Have you ever known anyone who was so consumed by anger or hate that they couldn’t think rationally? It happens all the time. When we’re consumed by hatred, by our hurt, Satan can outwit us. So I want to talk to you about forgiveness today.
And more than talk to you about forgiveness, I want to show you the best apology I’ve ever seen. It comes from the movie Fireproof. After weeks of trying to restore his marriage, Caleb Holt asks his wife to forgive him. If you have not seen the movie, I highly suggest that you do.
It’s been said that Adam and Eve were the only people who had a perfect marriage. But that was because Adam could never talk about the way his mother kept the house and Eve could never brag about all the guys she could have married.
Because Jesus knew that this topic of forgiveness was so important, he made up an entire parable about it. I’d like to show it to you. Would you find a Bible and turn to Matthew 18:21 please. This is the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. (Read Matthew 18:21-35).
Let me make some observations with you about this, so you can see what Jesus is really saying to us.
The first observation is this: The number Jesus uses for the number of times we must forgive. PETER WANTS TO KNOW HOW HIGH TO COUNT; JESUS DOESN’T LIKE IT WHEN WE KEEP SCORE.(Jesus isn’t keeping score)
The Jews of that day taught that you could forgive a brother as many as three times for an offense, but after the fourth time, there was no forgiveness. Peter knows Jesus’ heart of compassion, so he doubles the number and adds one. “Is seven times enough, Lord?” He asks.
Jesus says, “Seventy-seven times.” – It’s an allusion to a statement by Lamech in the book of Genesis that Lamech would take vengeance not seven times on someone who had wronged him, but seventy-seven times. Since no one can keep count for that long, it might as well be an unlimited number. When it comes to forgiveness, Jesus doesn’t want us to keep score; He just wants us to forgive.
When we forgive, we are literally to set aside our anger.
A TALENT = 15 YEAR’S WAGES. This is a big sum. A DENARIUS = 1 DAY’S WAGE.
THE SERVANT OWED AN OUTRAGEOUS AMOUNT TO HIS MASTER. 15 year’s wages times 10,000 = 150,000 years worth of debt.
NO ONE BORROWS 150,000 YEAR’S WORTH OF PAY. THIS SERVANT MUST HAVE BEEN AN EMBEZZLER.
THE KING IS WILLING TO FORGIVE AN INCONCEIVABLY LARGE DEBT.
But the servant isn’t. A denarius was a single day’s wage for a soldier or laborer. So the debt owed to the servant was about 100 days worth of pay. After being forgiven an astronomical amount, the servant isn’t willing to set aside his anger over a small amount.
THE KING IS MUCH MORE ANGRY ABOUT THE SERVANT’S LACK OF FORGIVENESS FOR A FELLOW SERVANT THAN ABOUT HIS SIN AGAINST THE KING.
Jesus is saying, “God may be irked when you sin against Him, but He is ticked off when you refuse to forgive a friend.” Which leads to the next observation.
HOW WE TREAT OTHERS MATTERS TO GOD MORE THAN HOW WE TREAT HIM.
And, THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN MUST FORGIVE.
This is why Jesus, in the Lord’s Prayer, instructs us to say, “And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”
When Peter wants to know how many times we should forgive someone, Jesus tells him a story to help him see the heart of God the Father. The story is about a king who sets aside his anger at an outrageous sum that has been embezzled by one of his most trusted advisors. When Jesus mentioned the size of the debt to his first century listeners, every one of them expected to hear that this man who be thrown into prison, or worse. And that starts to happen to him, until he asks for mercy.
When the servant asks for mercy, the king sets aside his anger and not only grants his request, he goes one better. Instead of giving him time to pay back the debt—which, at 150,000 years, he could never do, the king cancels the debt. He forgives him.
But, when this recipient of great forgiveness is asked to grant more time to someone with a small debt, he throws him in prison. This, the king cannot stand. He powers up his anger and has the man not only thrown into prison, but tortured for his sins.
Have you ever been in a position where you wanted someone to forgive you, but were afraid they wouldn’t? I suggest you’re in that position today. I know I am. If you were to add up all the things I have done to hurt the Lord or embezzle from His glory, my debt would be huge. Limitless. At least 150,000 years worth.
1 JOHN 1:9 says, IF WE CONFESS OUR SINS, HE IS FAITHFUL AND JUST TO FORGIVE US OUR SINS, AND PURIFY US FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS.
LAMENTATIONS 3:23 says HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING.
God forgives me every day.
So, WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE? Let me give you four reasons.
1. SATAN. I don’t want to give him a foothold in my life. When I harbor anger against anyone, that gives him a weak spot where he can come in and drill deep into me. I don’t want him anywhere near my life. So I want to forgive.
2. ME. I want peace in my life, not bitterness. When I refuse to forgive someone, I suffer far more than they do.
When you are told to quit slouching as a child, it isn’t simply because it looks bad. The reason is that if you do it often enough and for long enough this will become the natural position for your body. Hunched over and bent in your back. After just a few weeks the position begins to feel natural, and your muscles change and adjust to this new position. But your mom knows better, and knows that there are long term negative health effects from slouching, so she works diligently to straighten you out. She doesn’t want you to walk around bent over the rest of your life. And God doesn’t want you to walk around for the rest of your life with a bend in your soul.
The truth is, when you refuse to forgive someone, they own you. You hesitate to go anywhere where you might encounter them. Your blood pressure goes up every time you think about them. The reason we don’t want to forgive is because we want to hurt the other person, when the reality is, we hurt ourselves far more by our refusal.
3. YOU ARE NOT PERFECT. Compared to the person who’s offended you, their debt might be 150,000 years. But yours is at least 100 days. Isn’t it?
If there were two lines to stand in this morning, one for those who need no forgiveness because they’ve never hurt anybody, wronged anybody, wounded anybody, and one for those who have hurt others, which line would you stand in?
We all need forgiveness, so we all want to be forgiven. How can we withhold from someone else that which we hope to be given by someone else?
4. CHRIST FORGAVE YOU.
The Bible says that the last thing Jesus said while He was dying on the Cross was, “It is finished.” That phrase is just one word in Greek: TETELESTAI. The word means, “PAID IN FULL.” If a Greek merchant writes that across the bottom of your bill, you owe no more debt.
Jesus knew He was going to do that when He made up this parable. He knew He was going to be the one to forgive your unpayable debt by paying it Himself. Tetelestai.
“But Pastor, you don’t know what this person did to me.” Jesus does. And some day He’ll right all wrongs. Meanwhile, He wants you to live at peace.
“But Chris, what he did to me was so unfair.” Life’s unfair; we teach that to our children every day. Life’s unfair, but Jesus is forgiving, and one day, He’ll right all wrongs. Meanwhile, He wants you to live at peace. And you can’t live in peace if you don’t forgive. Jesus knows - whatever has happened to you, Jesus knows.
Then, HOW DO I FORGIVE? First, we MAKE A DECISION TO FORGIVE. If you wait until you feel like forgiving, you’ll never get there. Being hurt is an emotional event, and emotions don’t heal by themselves. They heal with the help of your will. First, make a decision to forgive. Later, your feelings will follow.
I know a couple who were married at 18, divorced by the age of 20. It was a real painful mess, with both people feeling like they had been wronged, and both feeling like the other should ask for forgiveness. For two years they shot barbs at each other through mutual friends and family members as they would bump into them. Anger and quite honestly hatred consumed them and they both wanted revenge. And without question, both would tell you marrying the other person was the biggest mistake of their life.
Thankfully, the story doesn’t end there. God got a hold of one of them, and it changed his life. Slowly he began to forgive his ex-wife. His ex saw this change in him, and through that, God worked on her heart and she, after becoming a Christ follower herself, she began to forgive as well. As they began to work through the forgiveness process, they both came to realize they really still loved each other, and that the anger and resentment they had been harboring had blinded them to that. Two years into the restoration process, after doing the hard work of forgiveness, they were re-married, and they now are happily in love with 3 growing young children and a great life together. And if you ask them now, they would say the biggest mistake in their lives was not forgiving each other.
You may need to do the same to someone in your life. Maybe it is a divorce, or maybe some other hurt, but the truth is, we all have someone we need to forgive.
The second way we forgive is to SAY THE WORDS—AT LEAST TO YOURSELF. When I forgive someone, I actually say the words in my mind: “I forgive you.” There is something tangible that happens in your heart when you release someone from the wrong they have done to you. It starts with your will, so even if you don’t feel like it, once you make the decision, say to yourself, “I forgive him,” or, “I forgive her.” Your feelings will follow.
Listen to this part carefully: I didn’t say the words to person who had hurt me; I just said the words to myself. You don’t have to tell the person you are forgiving them; your actions will make that clear. Sometimes telling the person you are forgiving them can actually make the situation worse by bring the issue back up. Sometimes we make forgiveness far too complicated by stirring up the water under the bridge. The best kind of forgiveness forgives and then lets the past stay in the past.
Here’s another tip: WHEN YOU FORGIVE, FORGIVE. The word in the passage in the Greek for forgiveness is Macrothumia – meaning to put your anger aside, put your hurt, your resentment, your right to revenge aside. Don’t use the occasion as an opportunity to reopen an old wound, restart a previous war, or score points by appearing superior because you were the one who was big enough to forgive first.
If you’ve harbored something and the other person doesn’t know it, and they haven’t really done anything to hurt you, then release them without having to bring it up.
On the other hand, the Bible says that if there is something real and tangible that has happened between you, you must go and make it right. MATTHEW 18:15 says, “IF YOUR BROTHER SINS AGAINST YOU, GO AND HOW HIM HIS FAULT. IF HE LISTENS, YOU HAVE WON YOUR BROTHER OVER.”
When there is a need to confront, confront. But when your purpose is to forgive, don’t cast blame, bring up old issues, and try to score points, or set yourself up to win the next round. When you forgive, forgive. FORGIVE COMPLETELY.
In Colossians 3:13, the Apostle Paul says FORGIVE AS THE LORD FORGAVE YOU. – COLOSSIANS 3:13
“Forgive AS the Lord forgave you.” What types of words could be substituted for that little word, “as,” right there?
How about “just like”? How about “in the same way”?
Forgive just like Jesus forgave. How did Jesus forgive?
Did He forgive begrudgingly? Partially? In a way that made Him look good? Did He set up conditions for forgiving you? Did He wait until we deserved forgiveness?
Jesus forgave fully, willingly, humbly, unconditionally, before we ever knew we needed forgiveness, Jesus laid aside His anger, and forgave.
In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus teaches us to pray by saying, “AND FORGIVE US OUR DEBTS AS WE FORGIVE OUR DEBTS.” – MATTHEW 5:13.
The “AS” in that sentence means… “In the same way.” “God,” says the prayer, “treat me in the same way I treat others. Forgive me to the extent that I forgive others. Forgive me with the same enthusiasm that I forgive others.”
I have done some embarrassing things in my life. And I have done some stupid things in my life. But I have also done many hurtful things, some of them deliberately. Yet God says in Psalm 103 that when He forgave me, He separated me and my sin as far as the east is from the west. How far is that?
One reason God wants us to forgive is because He wants us to be like Him, and He is a forgiving God. He forgives utterly, completely, fully. He’s an amazing God. And you can be an amazing person if you’ll just do this one thing well: forgive others.
Now, as you begin to practice forgiveness, you’re going to find a few things to be true. One of them is that you’re probably going to have to FORGIVE REPEATEDLY.
See, forgiveness is like peeling an onion. When I forgive, what remains? More onion—more to be forgiven, more anger to be set aside.
So I forgive, and then something comes up. Something that reminds me of what that person did, and I get mad again. So now what do I do? I forgive again. If it’s a fresh wound, I may have to forgive 5 or 6 times a day. If it’s an older wound, I might find myself having feelings I need to set aside every few weeks, or maybe every few years. And of course, what often happens when you’re peeling an onion? Tears come. Not always, but sometimes.
When you forgive, realize that you may have to forgive the same offense more than once—not because the offense needs to be forgiven multiple times, but because you need to set aside your anger multiple times.
Forgive repeatedly. That doesn’t mean you forget, and that doesn’t rebuild the broken trust, but you have to keep on forgiving.
And if you are the one who needs the forgiveness, you have to be willing to accept the accountability that goes along with it. You have to be willing to do what it takes to earn that trust back.
Can you see this? This is very important. Forgiveness must be granted. No one can earn it. While on the other hand, trust must be earned.
Forgiveness is just like that. God wants that same feeling for you. I want that feeling for you. You want that feeling for you. Start today to excel at macrothumia, at setting aside your anger and forgiving as the Lord forgave you.
Will you do that?
Each week we are going to do a Love Dare challenge at home. Today’s LOVE DARE CHALLENGE can be accomplished, or at least begun to be accomplished right here, right now. Where ever you are reading this. STOP AND FORGIVE!
Do this with me for a minute. Take one of your hands and clench it into a fist. Is there someone in your world that you need to forgive? That lack of forgiveness is what you’re clutching right now. Make a decision to release it. Open your hand and say quietly out loud, “I forgive you.”
Let me pray for you. Oh Merciful Lord, I pray for God’s help in the restoration process as so many of us begin forgiving today. Thank God for the forgiven granted by Jesus. Commit these decisions to the Lord and pray for ability to peel the onion one layer more tomorrow, and the next day and the next day. Amen.
