I encountered death today and tried to spoil his plans. I lost.
I don’t want this to sound as if I had the only antee in this ordeal. The fact is, a man died- a wife became a widow, his family and his friends are grieving, and his passing has affected the many lives that tried to save his. I’m writing this, in part that I hope by sharing this story, will help clear my mind enough to let me sleep.
I live in a remote and rural county fifty miles west of Pueblo, Colorado. We don’t have a whole lot of infrastructure that most take for granted, and folks that live up here have to be more self reliant, and even neighborly. It’s a tough country to live in.
Earlier today, I was on my way down the mountain pass, we locals call Hardscrabble. I came around a corner to a straight -a -way where I passed a car parked on shoulder. The four way flashers were on, and as I passed, I heard the car horn blaring non stop. I knew something was wrong. I did a U- turn, and went back to see if they needed assistance.
The woman was sitting in the driver’s seat, was obviously distraught. I saw a man in his sixties sitting in the passenger seat, gasping for air, and barely conscious. I opened his car door, and found that he was in cardiac arrest, and they were on there way to meet an ambulance when he arrested.
I don’t recall all the details, as I just acted. His breathing stopped, and I couldn’t find a pulse, so I started CPR and mouth to mouth. He came back. The ambulance arrived with my neighbor down the road from my home as part of the two person crew.
I assisted the EMTs from then on by running to get supplies from the ambulance and such. I tried to help comfort the mans wife, and when the helicopter (life flight) arrived, I used my 4x4 dually truck to block the lower part of the highway so the helicopter could land. The whole thing lasted about an hour and a half, until the EMT’s declared the man deceased, and the coroner called.
I’m a combat veteran of Iraq, (2005- 2006) and was a certified Combat Life Saver. That was about seven years ago. Its been about that long ago that I last encountered death, face to face, and I’m messed up again.
I feel guilty voicing my feelings, as I’m not the one, that in truth, had a bad day. However, I know in my mind, and through all the therapy from the VA, that what I’m actually feeling is a form of survivor’s guilt. That massive adrenaline rush is still fading from my body, even though its been hours ago.
One of the tenants of my faith is courage. By writing this, I’m trying to face this disturbance by getting it out. Many of us veterans hide these things- not that they are cowards, rather, our society has forced us to suppress/ bottle up our experiences. Many of us combat veterans, no matter the time era, have seen the bad side of hell/ hel. We have also seen those evil spirits, and what they can do. As for my opinion of Death, I label him evil at times, and necessary other times, but always indifferent and determined.
I encountered death again this day. I tried to do my part to spoil his plans. I lost.
I guess all I can ask, for those willing to do so, is to offer prayers of comfort to Kris, the wife of Bill. Also prayers for Bill, that his spirit has ascended peacefully, knowing that many cared about him in this life, and when he left this day, it was a leaving seen by many strangers that cared.
I also ask for prayers of comfort and strength for all of us strangers- the EMTs, and us average folk that attended in the care of Bill as he left us today.
I will be lighting candles tomorrow in honor of Bill, as his life touched mine, albeit just for an hour or so.
Blessings and Peace to All!
