On Christmas Eve, I watched a movie called The Nativity Story. As I watched the scenes of the Christ Child's birth unfold, I found myself longing for the time when belief was such a simple thing, when I believed fully in the Christmas story as told in the Bible without wavering or questioning. The simple story of a wondrous babe born to a devout virgin in a cattle byre.
They say that a 'little knowledge is dangerous,' and I would have to say I agree with that statement. It was when I obtained a 'little knowledge' that my simple belief system was shaken and shattered. Now, the things I don't know, far outnumber the things I know. My questions and doubts are greater in number than my assurances. In fact, I wonder if I even have any assurances left.
Assurance used to be the thing I strove for. The thing I desired above all else; to be assured of my belief, to be assured of my salvation, to be assured that it was all real and true. Now, I live with so many doubts and questions it makes me wonder how I ever had such assurance to begin with or if what I thought was assurance, was really only blind faith, or delusion.
The question is, do I need to know? Can I not live with the not knowing?
Maybe I can.
Perhaps this unassurance, this not knowing is that greater part that Christ spoke of in the story of Mary and Martha. It seems to me that my former state of knowing was also a state of striving. Struggling to serve, and to live up to the idea that I knew and was assured.
Wasn't that what Mary was doing? Struggling, striving to serve and seeking assurance that she was doing the right thing, whilst Martha chose to sit quietly in listening silence and learn.
I think that when we know, and when we have the assurance that we know, it places us in a position where we may feel we have nothing to learn, a position where we constantly strive to demonstrate our knowingness. Where is the need of a teacher then? Where is the need of Christ or God as he is understood?
Perhaps it is better to live with doubts and questions because without the questions there is no need for answers and therefore, nothing new to learn.
I seek to cast aside my assurances, my knowingness and I choose to seek that better part, to sit at his feet and learn of him.
