WOW WOW
was having some weird dreams,
started with me having a big home then my in-law grandparents visiting then my in-law grandmothers having me judging their cooking of HamHocks ok dream is wracked because 1 have no in-laws, not even married {yet} n Never had HamHocks no idea what hamhocks are) then dream kept changing size of my home from super big to a good size one for a family of 5kids me n wife n a nanny with mother apartment for mom with 2exxtra rooms 1 for her guests n 1 for live in butler/personal-aid n a house next door for staff husband-handyman wife-housekeeper n their kids n a mobile home for Mark; then dream took a roll down memory lane to a love I miss n still worry about the dream kept focusing on the good times(even remembering feeling/touches/intimacy) I had with Kristin n then dream took me to deep deep deep sadness at 1st felt like I lost something super dear to me n because dream was focusing on Kristin my mind started feeling she was gone(died) I started crying in my dreams then I even woke up n I was crying really n really balling my eyes out n nose got stuffedup I cried n cried my mouth was choked-up last time I cried this hard was when I got info that I might lose my left arm in time because of the way doctor did the implant n when it wears out... The crying went on for a long time soaking my pillow then I asked why, when, help me:
Why was I born with brittle bones(6month old till teens years over 60 broken bones n bones are still a concern now,
Why I did I get a learning troubles/disability making school hard n even collage a failure,
Why I have relationship issues(as a kids I even gave kids near me money to play with me)then from years 18-34 I paid women for sex, I didn't socialize in high school like others was picked up right after school by handicapped bus, never had a high school girlfriend, never went to events like concerts (well went to 1 because I won tickets but never could afford to buy any) stayed home alot playing on my computers; didn't feel a real connection to a woman till Kristin, holding her her holding me me brushing her hair us going down the street holding hands us watching TV/Movies her leaning on me or her head in my lap me holding her hand while we watched TV so when things started going wrong or my illusion was coming apart I started drinking n drinking n drinking 5th of whiskey a day suitcases of beer a day n then even bagging for money on the street to get more money for 40oz beers;
I don't ask why I had a stroke I know why my depression, my drinking like a fish, my smoking of cigars, me not taking my blood pressure meds n me wanting to die, I was really begging to die n nearly did with the stroke the stroke was a turning point in my life *shall add more after why, when help me...
When am I to be in Love again???
When Will I Have a Girl to Truly Love Me???
When will I have a family???
Help Me to Be Happy!!!
Yes am happy with my friends I have that care about me but but well how many of you know me really know me, knowing my fav color, TV shows, movies n etc are easy guess my fault I am not very open with myself to others (yes I share alot but my heart is locked up guess since Kristin she Hurt it bad as picture shows-the tattoo a ripped aparted heart held together with barbed wire) feeling have always been a hard thing for me to share; a couple I know n really really care about have been a dare thing to me the husband joking n budding with me when he n I are together n the Wife the HUGs She Gives Me are so great, Phil n Pam give me a taste of care/love of what I am crying for, craving n deserve!!!
Help Me God, Jesus, Holy Ghost/Spirit, Universe, Karma LIFE to Have Love, a Wife/my own family), a Better Life I have been on disability income all my life(it sux), I have mouth empty of teeth(well a few broken ones still in there), I am always struggling with Medicaid to get meds n medical equipment, doctor wants me n I do to eat better n healthier but on my income even with food stamps n my month I can't afford the healthier foods or eat things like apples, peaches I eat softer foods that are unhealthy n many are unhealthy like M&Ms String cheese etc but hey they are called comfort foods for a reason they give people like me some comfort n since I don't have any whole teeth, no real income no girlfriend/wife n I gave up booze, cigars what little comfort I get from candy/junk food that is easier to eat do eat but even eating those is full of sadness because I know it is not healthy for me but What am I to do??? I Pray, Wish n Hope for a change in my life!!!
Now Times Like this morning the depression IS So Great n My Tears still dry on my face n when Life Doesn't Seem Worth Struggling With BUT
But HOPE, No Matter if that Hope is a grain of sand surrounded by Marbles of Sadness n Depression that grain of sand can stop a mables, a little super small size amount of Hope can be that Window to Something Wonderful n if I(we) ignore it(or throw it away) I would never know what that grain of sand(window) has for me(us) n that Keep Me Hoping, Wishing n PRAYing for my future life n Better Life a Happier Life n For Being Loved/in Love!!!
ok brain is drawing close to empty so HUGs n yes I didn't forget the ' * ' I typed it is below...
Good Morning, pray/hope you are doing well/better today as for me body ok minor aches n sadness slowly going away...
HUGs to You All!!!
* to continue my stroke was a blessing it re-a-woke me to Life, it gave a better outlook at things in my life having brittle bones I wasn't abused physically(mom had a rough childhood so she could have become an abuser if I didn't have brittle bone - got a few warm butts in my young years but spanking is sometimes needed) also met many other disabled kids that had worst disabilities then I had n they loved life n helped me after stroke to deal with my current limitations, even my relationship with Kristin even as bad as it was showed me what I was missing in Life(LOVE) yes it had great moments n I hope/pray I find a woman to truly love n she loves me... Being hit by a car 4 months before my stroke was a good thing even if I had to have a metal rod put in my hip I knew I would get $$$ for being hit n before stroke planning on going to Vegas to drinking myself to death like movie 'Leaving Vegas' but my stroke stopped me n renewed my life, gave me a new set of morals, a more caring heart from always what could I get next to wanting to help n care for other also to me becoming a Reverend to Share the HUGE LOVE I Feel from Jesus that I want n Need to share that Love with others No Matter Color(I don't say race We are All Humans 1 race), Sex, Sexual Orientation, Faiths/Religions n those of No Faiths I Have the Feeling/Calling Not to Convert, Change Beliefs or Condemn/Judge Others But Am Called To Show Them They Are All Loved n Are Wonderful!!!
