It has been a long time since I have wrote something here. Even ministers go through things. I am no different. Been struggling with a lot lately. Mostly health issues. Life is not so bad really. Just been feeling pretty bad lately.
In time I will actually write about some of the problems. I wont really get anything out of wrighting it but maybe it will help somoe struggling with the same thing I am find some measure of peace in the fact that they are not alone. A friend once told me that when I laugh the world laughs with mebut when I cry I cry alone. For many years I believed that and never shared my pain with anyone including my wife. Now I know this is not true and that anything I go through someone else is going through it too. They like I feel alone and that no one will care or understand.
Churches always tell us to pray and get over it. Churches can be some of the coldest and cruelest places on Earth. Often times we as ministers loose our compassion and put ourselves above God herself. We live a lie all the while crying the tears of a clown.
As for me. I guess I lost my ability to cry at all. Maybe some day. But for now I have to focus on getting well. No easy task when I have to convince the military to admit too and disclose to me and my family what they did to me. I am close though. Very close . At least one doctor has mention an exposure that I was not aware to a chemical that "may" have happended while I was in the military that may have done permanate damage to my brain and to some other people who had the same symptom.
Some days I feel my life slipping away and I cannot get them to even tell me if it is killing me or not. After many years I finally found a doctor willing to do a cat scan of my brain to see if there was any damage. And I got a copy of my medical records and found an injury that was listed as "not healing" and it still hurts. I also found that I had been in the hospital although I have no memory of the event. So the peices are coming together and I know things will be ok once we know what we are dealing with.
When I know something I will post it here as much as I can. Can't promise I can tell you everything at this point. But lets see how it goes.
Good night all.
