I am anonymous.
I am male, I am unemployed and seemingly unemployable because try as I might, no one cares. I am alone, my friends have their own problems, my family too. I am not on drugs, I am not an alcoholic and I have no criminal record nor have I ever been arrested, detained or even looked at funny by any legal authority. I have what I consider crippling debt, awful credit and no degree in anything despite having been to college several times trying. I have lost people dear to me, to death, to change and even to reasons I cannot even begin to understand. I have no medical insurance, which is to say I am "covered" under whatever rock bottom "insurance" the former middle class is required to have. I have no doctor, personal or otherwise. I have been turned away from hundreds if not thousands of jobs, I have been exploited and used by hundreds if not thousands of people wanting me to work for free making them money. I have called suicide prevention and been asked to call back because all the counselors are busy. I have walked into a mental health center and been turned away because I am not homeless, an alcoholic, on drugs or the carrier of a fatal disease and told I should come back when I am any of those things. I cannot get help to prevent me from hitting rock bottom, I have to hit it first and then get "help". I return money if I am overpaid by a cashier, I turn in valuables I find rather than keeping them for myself. I have never stolen. I give money to help people even when I really do not have enough for myself, I believe in the good in mankind even though I am kicked, walked on and used on a daily basis by someone. I refuse to use others as a means to improve my own standing. I turn the other cheek, I obey the laws and customs of where ever I happen to be. I am polite and considerate even when treated poorly. I want to believe in God, any God but it becomes increasingly difficult when things just keep getting harder and harder despite my prayers, my patience, my kindness and my efforts to rebuild and recover from lost time, lost money and most damning of all, lost hope. I am struggling to prevent my life from falling into ruin, but there are no hands to help me up. There are many that wish me well, that speak kind words and pray for me, but words are wind and actions will always speak louder. I get told I cannot expect a hand out when I never asked for a hand out, but for a hand up. I get so sad and so tired of having people with more than they can use say that I just need to work hard and preservere when I have been working hard and preservering for 30 years and never gaining but always losing. I get so frustrated that those with more wealth than they need are rewarded with lower costs and less taxes and less fees while those of us living hand to mouth must pay extra for the same products or services. It hurts my soul that though not an addict or a criminal the only jobs I can get are ones alongside addicts and criminals and those very people seem to actively try to either pull me in or trip me up. I am worried about my life, my health, my future and my sanity. I grapple with suicidal thoughts every day now when I just 10 years ago such thoughts never even occured to me. I find myself so tense and scared and desperate that I have begun having to actually fight with myself over the idea of exploiting others, or theft, or crime, drugs, robbery and other things no one should ever be pressed so hard to begin to consider. I want to find help, hope and progress BEFORE I fail, before I fall into dark temptations, or suicide or some addiction. Since when is it arrogant, or hubris to want to engage in preventative measures by asking for help before one falls into the mire and begins to sink. I am in the mire and I am starting to sink and I am terrified each day that any one of the dark thoughts, fears or destructive impulses I am actually having now will get a foothold and make me something I am not, or make me dead. I have never in my life seriously wanted to sleep and not wake up, never before gazed at a bottle of pills and wondered how many I would need to take to stop feeling anything, ever. I have never before found myself beginning to plan my own death simply because I cannot see a way up, or a way out or a way that anything will be getting better.
I am anonymous because there are millions of people just like me. Scared, lost, hopeless. Overwhelmed. Yearning for some help BEFORE they hit the bottom, this is my cry for help, this is my plea for aid made BEFORE I swallow pills or cut myself or find a high lonely place. I should not be ignored or criticized for trying to get help before I get bad enough for those things. Prevent harm, prevent fear, prevent loss. I want a job, a real one that pays me for the work that I do. That is all I have ever been asking for and I am sick of being told I cannot get a free ride, or a hand out when I have NEVER asked for one!
Yes, I want someone to help me, but I also want help for the hundreds, thousands, millions of souls just like me. Some of you reading this may be like me, your details may be different but the struggle the same. Even just standing together we could actually help one another, pick each other up, dust each other off and say the words we both need to hear, that someone really cares, someone really understands. I want to get a job, or go to school, I want to earn my own money to pay my own bills and gradually improve my own life and as I do that I want to help others to do that and have them help others in turn until a makes a wave that makes the whole world better. I do not want to be rich and have a big house and a garage full of expensive cars but I do want to be comfortable, to have -a- car and -a- home and to not be in a constant state of terror and struggle and strain just to barely get by. I have rent and Child support as the only real expenses in my life right now and I cannot keep up with either and would already be on the street if not for kindness of people that are struggling just as hard as I am to get by, so much that if I cannot pay them they cannot pay their expenses and whole house of cards for us all could come tumbling down.
Something has to give, and I do not think it selfish to fervently want that something to not be my resolve! I must believe that people can do things to help that does not involve handing me money for nothing, give me a job, hire me to write something for you, or to preside over a wedding, or to counsel the homeless or those with drug and alcohol problems. Clean your driveway, wash your car, anything reliable and sustainable. Find a way to put me and people like me to work and everything else will fall into place and make the whole world a little nicer, a little happier and at the expense of no one. I am in the trenches, I am doing all I can but I need some help doing it. Look around, there are a million people like me, pick one and help. Make a difference.
Even take this message, add your story to it and post it, share it, spread the word... we all need help for something, so lets help each other!
