Ah, yes, Black Friday...that one day of the year where you can (almost) legally beat the living crap out of your fellow humans (I think we're still calling them that) over Wal-Mart's last tube of Preperation H, or (insert ridiculous item here). I've heard them all over the years, bar-room style brawls over anything from moist towelettes, to big screen "smart" TV's. My only hope is that once those folks got home their brand new "smart" TV told their new owners how STUPID they are.
I say it every year and unfortunately I'm going to say it again this year, it is an ironically sad testimony to our society and culture that we kick off the season of peace, cheer, and good will with a punch in the face and a kick in the groin all over superfical material objects that none of us truly need. But I figure if you can't beat 'em join 'em. So I have a new rule for Black Friday going forward beginning in 2017. From now on all those who participate in these legal riots must wear rollerskates. Yes, rollerskates. That way half the people ready to trample over those poors guys that get stuck opening the doors on Friday morning (or Thanksgiving night) immediately fall on their posterior and have a comically difficult time getting back on their feet, and another third forget how the brakes work and roll right on past their bargain of their choice, hopefully crashing into the nearest concrete wall or delicately arranged display of unusually heavy objects. In this way not only will it thin out the crowds immensely for those of us who need to do real shopping for something other than mindless material indulgence, but it will increase the hilarity of all the Black Friday videos on Youtube 100-fold!
All the jest aside, really...what kind of a way is this to begin the unoffical start to the Advent season (Advent doesn't actually start until Sunday)? Even if you're not a Christian and you don't put any religious signifcance behind the Christmas season the essence of it is still peace, cheer, and good will. How can anyone make this observance with such ill-gotten gain? "Hey, Merry Christmas Timmy, I got you the new ninja turtle set at half price and all I had to do was give grandma a black eye!" *sigh*
With all this said, I know that most of the people who participated in today's sales are probably good decent folks who don't want to hurt anyone, and would never stoop to the level of these nincompoops who get all the attention as a result of their outrageous actions. So for all of you good decent Christmas shoppers just trying to make a nice holiday for your families please don't take offense to what I've said, and I hope the fruits of today's efforts will bring you and your family a very Merry Christmas.
Matthew
