This post is mostly theraputic in nature for me. I have things I feel that I need to get out. Life is, well, hectic.
My family and I are dealing with two very... well, pressing situations at one time. I'm not sure how much I feel like getting into them. However, some background is needed for comprehension.
So I will keep it brief. I feel that the beautiful simplicity found in brevity can be somewhat of a release from the tensions of life. Simplification, such a blessed thing if properly applied.
My wife and I have one child, and have always made it a point to require as little money as possible to fund our existence. We both have worked from home for our entire marraige writing articles. We limit our needs to the true necessities, and almost entirely reject materialism. We have been successful by following this simple rule - Get as much food as we can from the Earth, and make all of the things that we can want. If we want it and we can't make it, we stop wanting it or we learn how.
Through budgeting, gardening, foraging and living a more simple life we did well. Working from home we were able to keep our expenses down and spend our much beloved time as a family. We didn't even create a savings. We felt secure, and we made just enough money to pay for our home and the utilities we needed to continue our writing.
When we took a roommate, that all changed. I had been unsure of having a roommate from the beginning, but we saw it as a way to further reduce our attachment to the commercial world and provide us more time with family. Long story short, our roommate cost us money we didn't have and we lost our home and found ourselves homeless. So many things went wrong, but we managed. We stuck through it.
We were down to nothing and were building it back up. Yet the wickedness of people did not stop, and we ended up in a terrible situation that caused the two situations we are now facing.
We became involved with the courts who refuse to see us as any more than vagrants or criminals. We have several people who require things of us and often those requirements conflict with someone elses requirements.
Life is hectic. I feel like my mind is tired. My body, my brain, yes those are tired. However, my SELF is tired.
I feel hopeless. Not as in that the situation cannot be fixed, but more of a resignation. A realization that things will turn out the way that they turn out. Which may not be the way that we hope for.
Honestly, I feel like a legless and armless person with a firing squad telling me to stand up and walk. Our sleep schedules are off, and we are wearing ourselves down trying to fix the situation.
One of these situations is that Children Services removed our child from our care. However, even though we quickly resolved our housing situation (our child was never without food, shelter, clothing, love or any needs in the first place) that is one situation we have failed to fix.
I honestly feel that it is a money thing for them. For one child CPS has us paying $500 a month in child support to them, even though our child is placed with a relative of mine.
Which is a third problem. This relative and their household is extremely Catholic, which is not the problem. The problem is that they view my beliefs as illegitimate and are "attempting to save our childs soul" from being raised by non catholics. The situation is terrible, it is policital. It is sad.
It is all that we can do to maintain our sanity. However, the two problems we are facing are taking a toll on us. CPS suggested we give full custody to someone which they said would remove CPS from the situation and lighten our workload. We thought about it for a whole month and finally decided to agree. However, they just used that against us to make us look a certain way.
I am the spiritual head of my household. Not because I am male, only because that is the way that it became. I have a duty to maintain a way of peace. I need to be the rock of my family, a strong and sturdy foundation.
Despite all of our efforts, we have failed to fix our situation. Lately, I have been having the thought that there is a larger reason here. Perhaps a purpose to be fullfilled through all of this.
CPS would prefer that we give custody of our child to the catholic household she is at now. However, if we did this, that part of my family would never let us see our baby. As it is now, we see her 2 hours a month.
My wife and I have both sought extra work, however that has not worked well. In fact, it has been something we have been trying to do for 2 years now. Trust me, when we say we have been seeking extra work, we truly mean that we are seeking extra work.
There seems to be a common perception that failure to find a job means lack of effort. I believe it is the area. My wife and I are both educated, have wonderful resumes. We live in a poor area and the majority of people in our area are unemployed. Most are on welfare.
We are tethered to this area by the requirements the courts has on us. With CPS in the picture, I am afraid that their can be absolutely no growth. We both work as writers and it would be sufficient for us to live on and save with. We would only need a few months without all of the courts financial requirements. It totals to close to $1,000 each month.
Our business as suffered because we spend more time failing to find outside employment than we do reestablishing our business. We have the clientelle right now to fix everything rather quickly if we were allowed to focus on that.
I feel trapped. I'm not sure what to do. I have decided to just leave it to the Creator and accept that I can't change everything, but that I can choose how I react to things.
The flavor of my life right now tastes bitter. I can't sleep, I have so much to think about. I'm the type that wants to find solutions.
I am one who teaches peace. Peace in thought, peace in speach and peace in action. However I myself am not at peace and I am failing to get it back!
Each day I spend in this situation makes me despise modern society and its money more and more. So many terrible things are allowed to be in the name of money.
And none of it has to be. Food is free, shelter and land should be free. Money isn't needed, and it was made by man. Yet, we will let terrible things happen to other people because they do not have some people-made item to convince us to prevent it. Health care is motivated by money, not by the desire to provide healing.
I feel like if I am learning one thing thoughout this, it is that the suffering that I feel is not my suffering alone, but the suffering of the entire human race.
I pray that the Creator and all of Creation can once again become one, become that well working system it was meant to be. But for now, the gears of the machine are broken and the output is not what was intended.
I know there is not much that you can do for me or the human race, but the thought that people of any religion are thinking of my family, of my wife and our child is comforting. The thought that prayers are being said by those who feel compassionately towards us and towards the human race is a comfort.
Please, keep us in mind when you deal with people. We all seek happiness and to avoid suffering. We all need love and compassion. Even when our actions don't inspire the desire in you to provide it.
