In the age of social media, self-criticism and perfectionism are more prominent than ever. We continue to become increasingly focused on being “perfect”: having the perfect physique, having the perfect job, or keeping the perfect house. In reality, however, this striving for “perfection” simply makes us increasingly unhappy as we lose focus of what we are really working towards.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve ourselves, but both theology and science show us that it is a mistake to believe that we can somehow mentally force ourselves into perfection.
The Theology of the Body reminds us that God’s plan for us is written in the design of our bodies. Brain science shows that the more self-critical we are, the more our brains lock down and become resistant to change. It’s actually self-acceptance that creates the chemistry necessary for new neural connections to form. Ultimately, it’s important to remember that while none of us is perfect, it is God’s love that perfects us. We are destined to be, as Jesus puts it, “perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect” God does not expect us to get there on our own. TOB teaches us that it only by cultivating a receptive posture to God’s love and grace that we are able to be transformed from the inside out through an authentic encounter with God’s love. Perfection doesn’t come from flogging ourselves to be better. It comes from letting God love us and learning to see ourselves as he sees us–works in progress, certainly–but on the road, by his love and grace, to becoming the whole, healed, godly, grace-filled people we are meant to be.
Here are three life hacks for preventing perfectionism from taking its toll on you:
Beating yourself up, feeling “not good enough,” engaging in self criticism are all signs that your brain is overheating. Brain science shows that giving into these behaviors actually makes the brain resistant to change as it locks down in the face of a perceived threat. When you hear that inner-critic ramping up, don’t try to challenge those thoughts directly at first.
Instead, remind yourself that self-criticism is just a symptom of the real problem–trying to do too much, too fast. Give yourself permission to slow down, to create more realistic goals, and make a more realistic plan. Remind yourself that jobs take the time they take. Getting mad at them, or yourself, doesn’t alter time. It just makes you less able to make good time by making you less efficient and less effective.
Perfectionistic people have a hard time just walking away. They always feel like they have to add just a little more or review it just one more time. A better approach is to pretend that you are on one of those reality shows where you have a certain amount of time to complete a task and when the clock runs down you have to step away and be done. Whether you are working on a particular project or trying to plan your day, give yourself what you think will be a reasonably generous amount of time to accomplish your tasks, but when that time hits, walk away. You can always come back to it some other time if you need to. But for today? Be done! Perfectionistic people tend to get lost in the details and lose sight of the big picture.
Setting an arbitrary deadline allows you to step back and gain perspective. If a particular project really needs a little more effort, then it will still be there tomorrow. For now, move on to other things–like taking a break to connect with the people who love you and can remind you that you are a person, not a machine.
Perfectionism is almost always a faulty means to achieve some deeper end. We want love, approval, validation, acceptance, peace, but we pursue being a perfect employee, a perfect parent, a perfect homemaker, a perfect…whatever. But the harder we work at being perfect, the further we get from satisfying the real emotional need driving our perfectionism. Ask yourself what the point of your perfectionism really is. Take some time in prayer to reflect on what you are trying to accomplish–emotionally and spiritually–by being so self-critical and task oriented?
When you find yourself giving into the temptation to perfectionism, remind yourself what you are really looking for, and ask yourself what you would need to do to get that? If you honestly don’t know, then it’s time to seek some help so that you can step off the hamster wheel and start getting your needs met instead of constantly running but never getting anywhere.
Photo by Valeri Terziyski on Unsplash
Dr. Gregory Popcak is the Executive Director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization dedicated to helping Catholics find faith-filled solutions to tough marriage, family, and personal problems.