What governs our thoughts and draws the boundaries of our expression?
My dad wasn’t a giant of a man, standing 5'5" if my memory serves me correctly, however, when my dad walked into a room, he had a presence that could not be denied.
Many things from my younger days have faded yet my dad's presence and voice is clearer today than ever.
When my dad passed away, my brother gave me his ring, I took his prayer shawl that I never saw him use and two journals found in a drawer. These are the treasures he left behind, not the money, it was never meant to be mine.
The journals were the only things my dad documented his thoughts and feelings about his divorce in and how it changed him.
To read about his anxiety, regret, depression and anger, the sleepless nights and soul crushing days make me cry every time I read them, and I read them often. The words are carved into my heart and mind. He never spoke about these things with me, and I often wonder why he just tried to sum it all up in a question. . .
"You can make your own mistakes, but do you need to make mine?"
I didn't know I had a sister named Diane when I was little, she had a different mother, and this is the family that my dad wrote about that crushed his heart and made it somewhat bitter.
I didn't really get to know my sister until I was in my late teens. We didn't see each other nearly enough back then, however, when we did, it was like a dream. We would play guitars and sing her favorite song.
My sister was the only person I was never afraid to sing in front of, Diane had a way of clearing away the fear by breathing love in and out instead. She loved animals, felt stones and hugged trees. Even though she passed away I can still hear her singing and I miss her every day.
If only she could have known our dad like I know him now. They didn't have much of a relationship as divorce tends to destroy childhood dreams of what a family is supposed to be and the shock wave rings on forever for some and shorter for others or so it seems.
He tried to contact her so many times before he passed away. He wrote her letters, left her messages and most of the time they were words of anger and dismay, and it broke my heart that it was all she could hear and all he could say and unfortunately for them both, it ended that way.
"You can make your own mistakes, but do you have to make mine?"
It's such a shame when our anger and pride builds a wall instead of our patience and love opening doors.
I was around 12 when my brother told me that I was only his half-brother. I never felt that way about him or my sister and I never thought to ask if my sister felt the same about me.
When I was 21, I asked my dad if he loved me more than my brother because that was always the claim from Dave and my mother.
He told me I may not like the answer but I told him I wanted to know the truth and this is what he said. . .
"Some people wear their love on their sleeve other's wear it under the cuff, but just because it's under the cuff doesn't mean it isn’t there although it isn’t seen."
I didn't understand so he continued to explain that from the moment I was born he loved me, he had no choice, the love was automatic it just filled him. I was his first born son even though my brother is older than me.
"I had a choice to make with your brother" he said as he turned the ring on his finger, "The love wasn’t automatic, I chose to love your brother when I married your mother, I adopted him as my own and gave him my name, you are both my children and my love for you both is exactly the same.”
My brother and I tend to argue whenever we attempt to be close, neither one of us wanted it this way, it’s just what happens when the past is replayed, but I made sure not to make the same mistake with him that I made with my sister.
I told my brother the story of what my dad said about his choice to love, and it filled a void and healed a wound he carried in his soul for a very long time.
"You can make your own mistakes, but do you have to make mine?"
I wear your ring as my wedding ring and I twist it often, the same as you did. I learned that I can make mine own mistakes but no, I don't have to make yours.
One of the differences between you and me is that I love my children on my sleeve, out in the open, never under the cuff because I learned from you that children need to see more than what you were able to show me.
Back to the question where all of this began. . .
What governs our thoughts and draws the boundaries of our expression?
Stop, Look and Listen , is what we learn to do before crossing a road.
Why isn't this common sense also applied to our expression when crossing the road with the strangers we meet or even those of our own family?
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." George Santayana said that, but is this true and if so, how can we know it?
For as long as I can remember, history has been taught in our schools and from the shape the world is in today, it appears none of us remembers a thing.
The world is divided because of allegiances to a land masses, religious beliefs, political flavors, color of skin, and for some, even the language they speak in.
I wonder what is next, will we start to divide ourselves by blood types to widen and deepen the chasm the world seems to continue to fall in?
Are we condemned to repeat the past because we don’t remember it or do we repeat it because we’re so focused on not repeating the past that we never take the time to create a better future instead?
I will Stop, Look and Listen as I continue on this journey and grow through each trial and tribulation either caused by or thrown at me. Life is a given thing but the reward is earned through the truth and peace we live it in.
The question runs through my head differently as I stand where my father once stood and asked me the question that echoes from generation to generation, as it will for as long as there is time.
"You will make your own mistakes, but do you need to make mine?"
When we as the human race realize that we need to become better than our past and present is anyone’s guess. I think about tomorrow before it gets here so that I am not blindsided tomorrow by the things I chose to ignore today.
If you listen closely you too will hear, the voices that have long since past becoming crystal clear,
The warning they deliver is a question that needs to be answered by everyone of us,
“You can make your own mistakes but do you need to make mine?”
If we can all agree that the answer is no, then we can begin to heal ourselves and this world before we run out of time.
