Marriage is a vow that two people make to one another. It is putting in to sweet, tender words, the commitment that each person is willing and determined to make to that special someone that they love, with as few or as many friends and loved ones present, to witness their vows, making their life long devotion to one another, known to everyone. A wedding ceremony is a special and beautiful time for two people.
Those tender moments can last a lifetime if people decide that with each new day they live together as a couple, they will wake up in the morning whispering sweet things in the ear of their husband or wife. The words, "I love you" gently whispered before one goes off to work and the words "I thought of you all day today," upon returning at the end of the day, can keep the magic and sweetness very much alive in marriage, regardless of what small or huge differences arise.
We need to always remember that tomorrow is never promised to us and that there are no exceptions as to what promises, what joy or sorrow tomorrow might bring, and despite how bad the day has gone, despite that small disagreement that two people might have had during the course of the day, one should always make it a practice never to go to one's slumber without saying "I'm sorry that you don't agree with me on this or that, but even if you don't, I still love you. Goodnight."
It is important to do the same when one wakes up to the gentle light of the morning sun. No matter what has transpired the day before, not matter who is mad at who, it is important that someone takes that first step, embrace their loved one and say, those same words again - "Before you leave for work, I want you to know that, even if we don't agree on this or that, I love you and I hope you have a good day at work. I will be thinking about you and tonight I am going to make a special makeup dinner for the two of us, with candles and a glass of wine. Oh and yes, a warm bubble bath will already be set up for you, when you come home. I love you."
I was headed to New York City, the fateful morning of September 11, 2001. That morning was like every other morning. It was a bright sunny day. My husband gave me a kiss and got up, showered and left for work as usual and I remember taking extra time to get in to work early that day, but the bus that I used to catch sometimes, to shorten my commute to Midtown didn't arrive that morning, which was a very odd thing. That bus would have left me in front of the World Trade Center at around 8:35 am, where I would have gone to the Starbucks coffee store located at the street level at South Tower, picked up a frappucino and taken the escalators down to catch the "E" train.
That morning that bus never arrived and I remember muttering my words of discontentment under my breath, because I was about to be late to work. Little did I know, someone up there was looking out for me and I ended up taking the Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan (BQM1 ) bus to Manhattan, which took us through Midtown Tunnel instead of the through the Battery Park Tunnel, which is just a few hundred feet from where the World Trade Center once stood. It was while we weren't about to descend into the Midtown Tunnel in Queens that I caught glimpse of the World Trade Center Towers and noticed a light gray mist, just starting to create a new trail of smoke out of one of the Towers.
It didn't dawn on me that had it been God or the Universe's plan for me to go that day, the downtown bus would have arrived, I would have boarded it and who knows where I would have been when the plane hit the South Tower. On the bus that I was able to catch to Midtown, several women were hysterical, because their husbands were at work high up in that tower. One husband never made it out of there alive, the other, the husband of a friend that I used to travel with escaped, but it took 4 hours to dig him out of the rubble and 7 hours or surgery to repair a broken clavical, broken ribs and arm. The next day the woman friend of mine, who thought her husband had died, had gathered the family and had started thinking about making plans for his memorial, but at 7:30 pm, a hospital nurse called to notify that her husband was in fact still a live.
Ever since September 11, I have tried to make it a point to walk my husband to the door, put my arms around him and give him a warm hug and kiss and tell him that I love him. I lost two acquaintances who died that day at the WTC and know a few others whose relatives died there. We just don't know how soon life can be swiped from us.
In life, it is important to remember that in our marriages, there will be moments of disagreements, moments of distress, moments of boredom, moments when we might even become very disenchanted and want to flee, but the vows of a marriage are words of promise. Words that say, that "No matter how we may disagree, how you may upset me, how much weight you gain, how complacent you may become with having me around, I will always think about you when I'm out of site, I will always take care of you when you're ill, in need and in dispair and never hold trivial things against you, because I love you."
There were countless people, widows and widowers who saw their children, wifes or husbands off that fateful morning of September 11, 2001, and in as much as they wish it, or pray for it, they will never have the chance to look upon the faces of their loved ones ever again.
Beside their marital beds are photos and memories, reminders of how safe and warm they once felt beside the one that they loved, but those times will be no more.
So you see, no matter what peeves you may have -- tolerate and love your spouse. I sometimes get upset when my husband doesn't do certain things that need to get done, or when he leaves a tie on a door knob, in the bedroom, when he's in a hurry to change to cooler, comfortable clothing, but then I realize that he is with me and I am glad that he is still here, alive, with me. If I were to lose him one day, I would remember with sadness how I used to get, when I'd find his tie on the door knob and surely, in a moment of grief one clearly is willing to deal with the all of the small peeves and annoyances of the other person, if one could only have them back by one's side, safe and a live.
So each time, my husband forgets to lower the toilet seat, each time I stumble over his fuzzy slippers once in a while at night, when I get up and get a glass of water, each time he doesn't wash the glass he just drank milk out of, and each time that he forgets one or two items in the grocery list -- I will say to myself "My husband, I love you, even when you have forgotten this minor detail. You are here, with me, loving me and protecting me, when you can be somewhere else. My husband, I truly love you. Thank you for wanting to be married to me." You will see how soon the anger disappears and the small annoyances, will no longer matter.
Forgive forgetfulness and remember we all lead busy lives and your husband or wife is human. Give grace, tolerate with love and kindness and give an abundance of understanding and never withhold affection over trivial things that soon pass, no matter how tempted you may be. Don't be scornful or vindictive. It gets a relationship no where and worse, it sparks furors that ultimately grow into worse patterns of behavior, that will alarm or worry the other person and prove disastrous to a relationship.
Remember you made a promise to him or her.
Be well, be loved, be blessed and be very happily joined together as one, because it is a blessing to have a companion for live.
In marriage as in life, tomorrow is not promised to us.
Carmen Goldberg is a Non-Denominational, Interfaith Minister, an Actress, Singer, Plus size Model and a Photographer/Artist who resides in the State of New York with her husband Ira Allen a Pianist.
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We are humans and it is inposebale to promise someone what ever it is. We need to learn, that when we LOVE our selfs the way we are, that we dont need a promise to make someone believe in us.
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